What questions are and are not alright to ask a new roommate? What information should you be sharing about yourself? Some colleges provide general guidelines for both of these questions, but knowing specifically how these messages should look like is another thing.

Living with a college roommate, (let’s be honest) a stranger, is a different experience. Most likely, your freshman year will be the first time you have lived with someone else to which you are not related for the long-term. This can be a weird, scary, and exciting experience. Knowing how to act and what to say before living together can help this transition to the dorms go more smoothly. Learn how these 3 topics are must-talk-about things before arriving on campus for school.

The Non-Negotiables

You may or may not know this about yourself, but there are certain “rules” by which you live that are not up for negotiation. In other words, you are not willing to compromise or live with someone who does not abide by these rules. Unfortunately, when you haven’t lived with a college roommate before, these rules are often left unsaid at the beginning of the school year.

Whether you’re trying to be nice, you didn’t want to come across as high-maintenance or demanding, or you genuinely didn’t think these living habits were so important to you, you need to sit down now and make a list of the non-negotiables for living with you. If you are choosing a roommate, you definitely need to make sure you share these “rules” before your future roommate agrees to live with you. If you (like many other freshmen) will be assigned a roommate, you need to share these with your new roommate.

The way you share these non-negotiables is important. As a general rule, share these unofficial “rules” 100% honestly. Being vague or unclear about what you really cannot live with will only cause you problems later. Additionally, share these unofficial “rules” kindly. Before clicking or tapping send, ask a parent, friend, or sibling to read your wording. Let them suggest changes or a better phrasing, because even if you mean to come across as nice your words can easily sound slightly aggressive. 

Remember that your roommate(s) will also have some non-negotiables. Some of them may seem weird or uptight to you, but try to keep an open mind, knowing your future roommate will have to put up with your quirks too. So if your roommate doesn’t offer his or her unofficial “rules” for living with him or her, ask about them. 

One particular non-negotiable that first-time college roommates can forget to share is what things a roommate can and cannot borrow. Because saying no to letting your roommate borrow a dish or a mug seems ridiculous, many new college students at first are completely willing to share personal belongings. But as the semester goes on, a roommate might lose, break, or get and leave the other roommate’s personal belongings dirty. This is annoying, so start the semester with good boundaries (which may mean kindly saying no to a small request.)

A second non-negotiable that roommates can forget to discuss is volume at night and in the morning. As a person who prefers a quiet morning, I would often forget to share this with roommates. I didn’t want to be “that” person who was unreasonable or too demanding of a roommate, but as the semester went on a loud roommate would frustrate me each and every morning. I should’ve shared right from the get-go that this is something I truly need in order to be a good roommate (otherwise I was barely tolerable even to myself).

A third non-negotiable that roommates should talk about is allergies. Some students have severe allergies to certain scents or foods. These are definitely things your roommate should be aware of before college starts. Other students have mild allergies that cause a great deal of inconvenience to their day-to-day lives. Share these with your soon-to-be roommate, so that they are aware from the beginning that they cannot use certain soaps or eat certain foods around you or in the room.

While you might feel like you’re being high-maintenance or annoying, sharing and asking about these non-negotiables is a way in which you can be considerate of your roommate. If your struggling to get started you can try wording the message like this: “What things are important (non-negotiables) for living with you? For example, I need our room to be quiet by midnight so that I can fall and stay asleep.”

Once you arrive on campus, you consider forming a room contract that includes these “rules.” You likely won’t regret sharing these non-negotiables but you likely will regret forgetting or choosing not to share these things with your future roommate.

Preferences

When living with someone else, you will have to make room for some compromise or negotiation. Your living preferences are different than your non-negotiables. These are areas in which you are fond of something but are not immovable in your decision. For example, room decorations are more of a preference. You prefer that your dorm room isn’t overcrowded with furniture.

These things, although not deal-breakers, are good to share and ask about before the school year starts. Once you move to college your stuff is kind of stuck in your room (unless you rent a space to store things), so aim to share your preferences before leaving for college. 

One area in which many roommates have a preference is room temperature. Take it from someone who was a resident assistant (RA). Room temperature is a little thing that often becomes a big deal to college roommates. Before leaving for college, try to see at what temperature your house is normally set. When you come to school, you can share this number as your preference. Typically you will have to compromise as your roommate may like it much colder or hotter. But knowing your preference will help you to have a basis from which you can start your room temperature compromise.

A second area in which many roommates have a preference is how much time they spend together. I’m not sure where this idea started, but many college freshmen (particularly female students) have the impression they need to spend time with their roommates. Let me clarify something for you, though you may become close with your roommates, you never need to feel the need to become best friends with your roommate. Being close friends with your roommate is the exception, not the norm.

Having space from one another can actually be a very good thing. If you spend all your time together, you will miss out on other important and valuable friendships. When you first arrive, you may spend more time with your roommate because of not knowing anybody. But, as time goes by, you will start to meet and become friends with your own group of people. This is normal.

A third area in which many roommates have a preference is shared room items. Some roommates prefer to have their own stuff and not to share it, while others are happy to share certain items. Trash cans, dorm refrigerators, and curtains are just a few of the things that you and a roommate can easily share (if both you and your roommate are willing). However, your roommate has the right to want to be the only one to use these items.

Be sure you don’t assume about certain items, especially food, laundry, or toiletry items. Your roommate likely prefers to be the only one eating his or her snacks or using his or her laundry detergent.

In your introductory message or email to your new roommate, present items that you are planning to bring to school with the purpose of sharing. Also ask if your roommate has any items which he or she is fine with sharing with you. This starts the conversation, so that you both can be prepared for college with the things you need.

Introductions

I hesitate to add this, because I’ve already discussed and shared ways for you to introduce yourself to your roommate. But I also know that most new college students have never had this experience before, so this information is worth sharing twice.

Before arriving to college, sending an introductory message to your new roommate is courteous but not required. In the first message you send, people typically give their name, hometown, major, year, etc. You can choose to email from your college email; however, many students do not regularly check their school email during the summer break. You may be better to send them a message through social media (Facebook or Instagram).

Before you friend or follow or accept a friend or follow from your new roommate, take some time to clean up your social media presence. Your new roommate is likely judging you just as much as you are judging him or her from a profile picture and bio. If your social accounts are public, be sure that your pictures (both ones you’ve posted and ones you’re tagged in) and your captions reflect well on you. You want to start the school year off with a good reputation, especially with your roommate.

Typically after sending your initial message, you will eventually hear back from new roommate. In your follow-up message, bring up your non-negotiables and preferences discussed earlier in this post. Be kind, informal, and understanding, because you want your roommate to do the same when reading and replying to your messages.

You can’t always plan for, be assigned, or pick a good roommate. You can, however, aim to be a good roommate. Being a good roommate starts long before you move your belongings into your dormitory. It begins with your initial contact, so plan to be a good roommate in your first messages by introducing yourself, sharing and asking about non-negotiables, and sharing and asking about preferences.