Genuine gratitude begins from within. In other words, true thankfulness is not put on as a show. It manifests one’s character, thoughts, and attitudes.

As a parent, you desire to raise children that are grateful. You want them to be grateful, choosing kindness over complaining. However, wanting this and achieving this are two very different things. How can parents instill gratitude in their college freshmen?

Help your freshman have a positive, grateful attitude by rejecting bad habits and forming good ones. Your freshman is likely to take notice and even imitate your grateful attitude. Embrace these 3 habits and help your freshman practice gratitude!

3 Habits That Instill Gratitude in College Freshmen

Habit #1: Refuse to complain.

Consciously or not, many people constantly complain. The weather, the government, tax season, etc.—complaining about these things begins to feel like a rite of passage or a badge of honor. However, this attitude communicates something to your freshman: complaining is an adult’s right.

When you complain to or around your freshman, you can communicate that ingratitude is an acceptable norm for adults. You are most likely not intending to demonstrate this, but you are, and unfortunately your freshman will imitate this bad habit.

So, how can you set an example of gratitude? Refuse to complain to or around your freshman about 4 specific topics: your job, your finances, your background, your political opposites.

First, refuse to complain about your job. Although you have bad days, a demanding employer, and sometimes frustrating coworkers, try to avoid complaining. Your freshman should know more about what you enjoy at work than what you dislike about your job.

Choose to highlight the good parts of your day, the exciting opportunities your position provides, and the good influences in your workplace. This positive mindset will help your freshman see that even in a frustrating job, having a positive attitude is possible.

Second, refuse to complain about your finances. Being a parent is expensive, and when you add college tuition to your regular expenses, your budget is incredibly strained. Your freshman may or may not be aware of this.

Being honest with your freshman about your financial situation can be healthy, but complaining about your finances usually produces negative results. Your freshman may feel incredibly guilty about even attending college, may hide her financial needs from you, or may mimic your complaining about tight finances.

Third, refuse to complain about your background. Shifting blame to your upbringing, lack of opportunities, or imperfect parents tends to do little but trap you in the past. By complaining about your background, you are unintentionally demonstrating how adults should reconcile their past with their current state.

Choosing to focus on the good from your childhood, work experiences, and past relationships helps your freshman to keep a positive perspective. Everyone experiences hurt, rejection, and loss, but successful adults learn how to process, cope, and move on from the past.

Fourth, refuse to complain about your political opposites. Political opposition, different ideologies, and the rights of citizens fill the news and social media. In a time of intense political disagreement, complaining or even ranting can be a quick default. However, this can communicate something negative: successful adults cannot have peaceful conversations and healthy disagreements with people from the opposite end of the political spectrum.

Sadly, the inability to think objectively about those with which one disagrees is hurting this younger generation. Parents can set the example for their freshmen by refusing to complain or tear down others, so choose to speak positively.

Habit #2: Guard your words about others.

Your speech communicates far more to your freshman than you may realize. Specifically, your talk about others demonstrates how your child should view, interact, and think about others. When speaking in front of your freshman about authority figures, peers, and family, work to guard your words.

First, guard your words about authority figures. Your child’s authority figures may be too demanding, expect too much, or be inconsistent from your perspective, but your freshman should not be hearing this from you. Tearing down authority figures in front of your freshman discourages an attitude of gratitude and encourage a critical and sometimes disrespectful one instead.

Your own authority figures may be controlling, arrogant, and unkind, but complaining about them in front of your freshman is harmful. Your freshman learns what is acceptable to say about her supervisors, managers, teachers, and dorm staff from you. Do your best to set a good example of respect and gratitude, because even bad authority figures teach valuable lessons.

Second, guard your words about peers. Your child’s peers may be immature, selfish, and shallow at times. As a parent, you may want to warn your child against the dangers this kind of influence can have. However, until your child sees this for herself, your complaining will most likely only encourage gossiping and other harmful communication.

Your own peers may be dramatic, demanding, and frustrating at times. Complaining about your coworkers or friends does can set a poor example for your child. Guard how much you share with your freshman. Be careful not to complain but instead attempt to lift up your peers.

Third, guard your words about your family. Your significant other and other children have flaws, and you know this all to well for yourself. Sometimes out of frustration or insecurity, people’s gut reaction is to tear down those close to them. If you want your family to be characterized by love and acceptance, do your best to lift each other up with your speech.

Your own parents and siblings also have many flaws. You may still struggle interacting with them. However, be so careful to guard your speech about them, remembering that you are setting an example to your freshman. Your freshman is learning how to navigate her relationships with her family as an adult. Demonstrate how mature adults deal with conflict, shortcomings, and disagreements in your own family relationships.

Habit #3: Express gratitude.

Depending on the culture of your family’s home, you may regularly or rarely express appreciation for one another. If you want to instill an attitude of gratitude, remember this practice starts at home. Work to make expressions of gratitude a regular occurrence in your home, starting with yourself.

Expressing gratitude to your freshman can do much to instill confidence, communicate love and care, and assist your freshman in this time of transition. When complimenting your freshman, avoid focusing on external traits or achievements. Your freshman most likely had little to do with her good looks, healthy weight, or beautiful hair. She inherited those things. Earning all A’s or making the varsity team is a wonderful accomplishment, but her character is even more wonderful.

Aiming your compliments at character traits places the emphasis on learning, growing, and developing as a person. These traits will carry your freshman much farther in life than a nicely groomed appearance or a trophy for an athletic event. Character matters and your compliments can reflect this fact to your freshman.

When you express gratitude to your freshman, you may be met with an eye roll or insistent protests. Part of this may be due to how broad your comments were. Being more specific and giving examples of specific traits you notice will be much better received.

Expressing gratitude to your freshman for “taking initiative” is a fairly vague comment. Taking specific notice of where, when, and how will show your freshman you’re not merely saying these words but truly mean them. Keeping your compliment specific is more effective: “Thank you for taking the initiative and time to call me last night and share about your struggles with your computer science class. I’m glad that you feel like you can share about school openly with me.”

When you express gratitude to your freshman, aim to be genuine. Your freshman is not likely to feel you truly appreciate her if your compliments seemed forced and general. She is likely to say, “you have to say that because you’re my mom,” to unnatural comments.

Instead of saying, “you did such a great job,” try to compliment with honesty and knowledge. Truthful but kind comments will be better received: “I know your work wasn’t perfect, but I liked (insert some specific details). I’m glad you kept working hard, even when you felt like giving up.” This is honest but still expresses appreciation and gratitude to your freshman.

Expressing gratitude to your family demonstrates how adults should interact with family members. Telling your own parents why you appreciate them and how they have positively impacted your life shows your freshman how she should interact with you.

Speaking with appreciation and praise to and about your own siblings does not go unnoticed by your freshman. She is likely to see how you handle sometimes difficult and frustrating family situations with grace and kindness. Your example will help her express gratitude to her own siblings.

Communicating gratitude to your other children shows your freshman how you would like her to interact with them. Even if she struggles to get along with her siblings, your freshman will learn to focus on the positive and voice her appreciation.

Gratitude is useless if it is not communicated. Take advantage of the mentorship time you have left with your freshman. Your freshman probably notices more than you realize, and she is looking to you to guide her. Show her that gratitude starts with you!