I’ll never forget this moment in my senior year of high school. I sat on my bed silently thinking. Why weren’t my parents doing ________ ? They didn’t seem to get what I really needed, but I didn’t know how to tell them what I needed either. For the first time in my life, I began seeing my parents as people and not as my parents.

This realization happens at different times for different kids. Some may come to this conclusion much sooner. Others may not realize their parents are people until partially through college.

This summer your high school graduate is likely coming to this same conclusion. He, however, may not know how to express it or cope with it. How can you transition into this new stage of your relationship? Make these 4 practices a regular habit in your everyday conversations with your graduate.

1. Admit your faults.

Let me begin by clarifying: I am not a parent. My goal is to share the possible perspective of your new college student and of a college professor. These thoughts are meant to be insightful peeks into what your child might be thinking.

As a young adult, your child may have a hard time articulating his true needs. He is more likely to come across as moody or difficult, when in reality there’s an issue beneath the surface. However, he may not know how to express that to a parent.

As you move into this new stage of your parent-child relationship, you will find respect becomes more, not less, of an issue. Your child wants to earn your respect, not just your love. He also wants to respect you.

Respect is difficult to gain but easy to lose, especially when it comes to the parent-child relationship. An instant way to lose your child’s respect is to refuse to admit when you are wrong. You know you were wrong. Your child knows it too. Blame-shifting, excuse-making, and stubbornness merely bring you down to your child’s level, and your child recognizes this.

You may have no problem saying “I was wrong.” But sometimes parents can forget to make their apologies or admission of fault public to their children. Not every situation requires you to admit fault to your child, but occasions in which you acted wrongly in front of your child usually do require this step.

For example, you come home from a long day at work and find the home a disaster. You wish your spouse would’ve taken the initiative to help out around the house. The whole evening you are completely grumpy. You snap at everyone. You grumble under your breath.

You had an off day. In this situation, you probably need to admit you were wrong, not only to your spouse but also to you children. A simple, short admission of being in the wrong is all that is needed. This action communicates more than hours of lecturing ever could. And while temporarily your child may not respect you more, he will come to respect your willingness to admit wrong-doing and make things right.

This pattern also sets up a good example for your child. When he finds himself in a similar situation, he will consciously or unconsciously imitate your behavior to an extent. Help your child learn to function as a healthy adult by admitting your faults!

2. Have two-sided conversations.

In this new stage of your relationship, this can be one of the trickiest practices to implement. Depending on your parenting style, you may or may not have an open dialogue with your child on a regular basis. Learning to let your child have some give and take in your conversations is important, especially as your child enters adulthood.

Two-sided conversations gives room for both members of the conversation to dialogue. As a parent, this can be difficult to do. You have wisdom you want to share and advice you want to give. However, dominating the conversation will not help your relationship with your child. Even if the information you are sharing is extremely helpful, your words will probably not be well received if your child feels like he has no input.

Provide opportunities for your graduate to add his thoughts in your conversations. Ask him open ended questions. Ask him follow-up questions. Refuse to check your phone or insert a comment. Give him eye contact. Let him know you care about his thoughts and ideas.

3. Listen without inserting advice.

Two-sided conversations require you to be both a speaker and a listener. Listening well is a skill that you’ve most likely developed in your professional life. Translating this skill to your relationship with your graduate can be tricky.

In my post “How to Listen to Your College Freshman,” I share a simple definition of the term listening. Listening requires three steps: receiving information, gathering meaning, and responding to the message. If you are not completing all three parts, you probably are not truly listening to your child (even if that is your true desire).

Even more important than listening well is listening without inserting your advice. Even as a teacher, refraining from inserting advice can be a struggle for me. I find that it is typically do to my own impatience. I don’t want to be inconvenienced. Instead, I want to cut to the chase and solve the problem. But what the student misses in this process is the actual tools to solve his or her own problems.

In my post, “Let Your Freshman Fight His Own Battles,” I share a process that can you help your child learn to solve his own problems.

• Listen to your child’s side of the story.

• Rephrase the account to be sure you understand it—e.g. “Let me make sure I understand you . . .”

• Express understanding—e.g. “That must be frustrating!”

• Ask questions before assuming guilt. You may find that more details emerge shedding light on the situation.  

• Encourage your child to take time to cool off before directly addressing the other person. Time and sleep provide clearer perspective in tense situations.

While every child is different, this process or a version of this process will help you help your child without giving any advice. Situations will arise in which you need to step in and help, but do your best to start letting go this summer. Your child cannot rely on your assistance with every problem when college starts.

4. Give your child space to process.

Is your high school graduate more of an extrovert or an introvert? When it comes to facing difficulties and solving problems, every child processes these challenges differently. Some process externally through talking, while others process internally through thinking.

In either case, your child probably needs some space to grapple with a decision, a problem, an opportunity, or a difficulty. Learning the skill of thinking or talking through his problems on his own is important. This summer is the time to learn this skill, while you are close at hand to assist when needed.

Your personality may make it difficult for you to let your child alone. You want to step in and help. You want to provide guidance, tips, and advice. But stepping in may not be the best for your child. Be willing to take a step back, even when you really want to help.

Checking in occasionally is certainly appropriate. A heart-felt “how are you doing?” with a pause for the true answer provides opportunity for your child to share with you. If your child doesn’t respond, he may just need more time and space before he is ready to share what is bothering him.

This summer is full of challenges for you. Watching your child graduate, preparing him for his trip to college, and adjusting to this new stage of your relationship are painful at times. This new stage in your child’s life can be difficult to navigate, because your freshman hasn’t quite realized that you are a person too. This reality may take a while to sink in but you can help the transition go smoothly.