“What?” I shrieked, “why is the government taking away almost all of my paycheck?” I remember a wake-up call I received in my first college summer job. I worked a part-time job in a healthcare facility, and I quickly learned that much of the money I earned did not go straight into my bank account as I always imagined.

You are extremely aware of the realities of taxes on your income, especially during the tax season. You know that most of your paycheck goes straight to cost-of-living expenses. Life is not cheap, especially when you have college-aged children.

You want to prevent your freshman from making the same mistakes you did during college. How can you help in ways that are truly helpful? You may want to provide anecdotes or share proverbial sayings. Your words may be extremely wise, however, they may not be well-received. Why? Your well-meaning comments may be unhelpful due to their phrasing or timing. Avoid unhelpful comments and provide helpful guidance to your inexperienced freshman!

Know What Comments Are Unhelpful to Your Freshman

Your freshman is extremely naive about how the real world works. He may think he has life figured out, but in reality he has little to no idea what adulthood is truly like. You may find yourself frustrated with his tendency to make arrogant assumptions, his rejection of your considerate help and wise advice, and his overall know-it-all attitude.

You want to make life easier for him or maybe provide a “reality check.” However, your comments may fall on deaf ears, not because what you are saying is untrue, but rather because your advice is rubbing him the wrong way.

Four specific comments can unintentionally communicate the wrong thing to your freshman. First, “follow your dreams” is an unhelpful comment. As discussed in the post “Doing Before Loving,” the idea of following your dreams can actually cause more indecisiveness.

“Some freshmen knew what they wanted to study at a very early age, but others did not. After graduating from high school with little direction beyond parental encouragement, students without a clear “love” struggle. How in the world can they do what they love if they don’t know what they love?”

Rather than helping making a choice of college major easier, “follow your dreams” brings up more questions in your freshman’s mind: how do I know if this major is my dream major? what if my dream changes? or will I feel stuck after committing to this field? In reality, sometimes a job is merely a job and nothing more. Ideally, your freshman will find work that he enjoys and in which he has aptitude, but you know that not every job will not be both enjoyable and in an area of his strengths.

Dreams often change over time. Reality sets in, revealing what is and impossible. Refrain from encouraging starry-eye thinking that entirely ignores reality.

Second, “if you could do anything” is an unhelpful comment. You are well-meaning. This comments shows a desire to guide your freshman, and he does need guidance. However, this comment again may be more misleading than helpful.

“If you could do anything” comments can hurt more than help, because they cause uncertainty. When talking about careers or college majors, people quickly jump to using the word “love.” While it sounds passionate to use this word, your freshman has little real life experience. How can you know you truly “love” something if you’ve hardly done it?

The “anything” part of “if you could do anything” also opens the door to everything. If most of us had the choice, we would love to live independently wealthy. However, that is not an option for 99% of the population. Truthfully hobbies can lead to profitable income but not immediately in most cases. Living out the “anything” takes years of hard work and sacrifice.

Third, “in the real world” is an unhelpful comment. While you are trying to provide a realistic perspective to your freshman’s inexperienced opinion, adding “in the real world” to your advice will probably work against you.

Your freshman probably knows in the back of his mind that he is clueless. He knows that he has much to learn; however, college may have provided him with some new-found confidence. You certainly do not want to discourage this, but you also want to keep his thinking in-check.

“In the real world” comments are probably best learned by experience rather than through your words. Why? Because your freshman is completely uninformed, he is likely to disregard your comments as cynical, close-minded, and part your generation’s mindset.

Fourth, “you can’t make any money doing that” is an unhelpful comment. Your child certainly needs to make money to support himself and his future family. There is no doubt of this. However, your protests may actually do more to harm your relationship with your freshman.

Not only can you discourage your freshman, but you may also drive him away. You do want your freshman to land a job that he will enjoy, but you also want him to make a good living. Your freshman’s decision to major in something like philosophy or humanities may raise red flags (that may be completely justifiable) in your mind. However, your freshman may need to come to your conclusion on his own.

Asking questions is a good way to prod his thinking, bringing up your concerns in an unaggressive way. Consider asking questions instead of making comments to help your freshman logically and wisely make financial decisions. You will prevent hurting your relationship and help your freshman discern what path forward is best.

Know What Comments Are Helpful to Your Freshman

Your freshman does need to start thinking about the future: his major, his summer job, his post-college job, etc. You are wise in wanting him to start making plans. Instead of adding well-meaning but unhelpful comments, consider a better alternative.

Many of the unhelpful comments discussed in this post would be better posed as questions. Instead of saying “follow your dreams,” consider asking “what do you enjoy doing in your free time?” Depending on the maturity of your freshman, he may respond with a ridiculous answer. Try to press him until a more serious answer emerges.

How your freshman spends his free time reveals much about his natural gifting. For example, if your freshman spends his free time teaching friends ways to exercise more effectively, he may have a future in something involving sports and health. The skills involved in this process are two-fold: interpersonal communication and understanding of the human body. Your freshman can use these skills to choose a major or even make a career.

Instead of saying “if you could do anything,” consider asking your freshman “what personal goals do you have?” While this broad question may yield some fairly generic results, channel this question into the realm of a career. Help your freshman think through his past experiences. What did he enjoy? At what was he particularly skilled? Even if he only worked a part-time food service job, some of his best skills probably helped him succeed.

After identifying your freshman’s goals, help him consider what jobs could fit or be an extension of his goals. For example, if your freshman identifies helping people succeed as one of his career goals, you can identify jobs that fit this goal: teaching, coaching, medicine, etc. Each of these options are possible career paths for him. Once you consider your freshman’s skills, you may be able to eliminate some of these fields and narrow the possibilities down even more.

Instead of saying “in the real world” or “you can’t make money doing that” consider asking “what is your plan for financially providing for yourself after college?” Be careful not to overwhelm your freshman with the specific costs of insurance, rent, car payments, etc. Your desire is to provide some real-life perspective, not crush his spirit.

Depending on the time of the school year, cautiously bring up money. Your freshman may be already feeling a great deal of financial pressure with tuition payments. This conversation may be better saved for a face-to-face interaction. You do not want to be misunderstood.

However, do have this conversation about money at some point. “Doing what you love” and “pursuing your passion” are nice ideals, but they don’t always pay the bills. Your freshman will be better off changing majors now rather than during his junior or senior year.

Other helpful questions that you can and should ask are “what are your plans for this summer?” and “how can I help you find work this summer?” When discussing summer plans, college parents often lean toward two extremes. Either they do practically every part of the work for their freshman to get the job, or they do not discuss summer plans, assuming their freshmen will just figure it out.

Do your best to help without doing the work for your freshman. While your child is more independent now than he was last summer, he still probably needs your help. Your freshman may feel too awkward to bring up the topic of summer jobs, so you may have to ask him how you can help.

Your child needs to start learning how to get a job, because he will need this skill after college, too. Applying for internships during second semester is most likely too late, but your freshman may be able to still find work related to his field of study. Do your best to guide him. Connect him with professionals you know in his field. Encourage him to initiate conversations and make connections, because that’s how getting jobs looks like “in the real world.”

Your freshman is probably thinking about his career more than you think, but he may not know how to think about it. Help him navigate his summer plans, his college major, and his career path. Your insightful questions will help provoke his thinking and provide perspective!