Upon arriving at college, I quickly realized that I was not even close to being the best, the smartest or the 4.0 student. As you can imagine, this was a big blow to my 18-year-old ego. Before college I thought I was pretty talented and capable, but now that I was surrounded by people 10x more talented and skilled than me I struggled.

Many freshmen feel this way. They might think “why am I even here?” or “do I belong here?” for most of their first semester. During high school, their parents complimented them by saying: “you’re the best,”  “you’re so smart” or “you always get all As.” But these kinds of compliments actually do more harm than good.

3 Ways Compliments Hurt Your College Freshman

1. Your freshman doesn’t try new things.

Do you repeatedly compliment your child for being the best? Thinking your child is the best is natural. You know your freshman has so much ability. You think that she is unique, one-of-a-kind, and special.

But consider, what does a compliment like this communicate to your child? It communicates that anything less than the best will not please you. You probably have no intention of communicating this, but this is what your child picks up on.

As a result, your child is afraid to try anything in untested territory. Failing or being merely average won’t please you in your freshman’s mind. So why should your child even try?

Instead of saying “you’re the best,” be sure your compliments are earned. You don’t have to be manipulative or withholding to give out compliments this way. Be sure your child knows that you see she is working hard and value her perseverance.

Giving compliments after your child has earned them places the focus on the effort given not the end product. This manner of giving compliments mirrors adult life. Your boss probably doesn’t give letter grades or ribbons for hard work, so don’t set your child up to believe that being the best is all that matters.

2. Your freshman doesn’t think improvement is possible.

Do you regularly compliment your child’s abilities and talents? Your child has inherent abilities and talents, but you know as the parent that your child can grow in these areas. They are not something at which she’ll always be mediocre or bad.

What does praising talent and ability communicate to your freshman? These compliments communicate that your child “has it” or “doesn’t have it.” In other words, you’re either born with this talent or not. This places the focus on outward performance or appearance, not on developing skills.

Studies show that these kinds of talent-based compliments can lead to children thinking that their abilities or talents are fixed and not able to be improved with effort. You know as a parent that this just isn’t the case. But as a result, your child may just give up when things get difficult.

Your child may think “why bother?” when faced with a difficult math class, because math has never been her thing. Instead of allowing herself to fail repeatedly, your freshman may give up when she thinks “this is just something I’m not good at.”

So, instead of praising your child’s abilities or talents, try praising your freshman’s improvement. Take note of how much she’s grown, what she’s learned, etc. This helps your child gain confidence to face tough challenges and failure.

3. Your freshman doesn’t value the process.

Do you frequently compliment your freshman’s achievements? You are proud of all the As on her report card and her many trophies and ribbons. And, as the parent, you should be.

But consider, what does the excessive praise of your child’s achievements communicate? Your child can tie up her entire worth in those achievements. Your child may be so focused on the prize that she doesn’t value the journey.

Your freshman may spend all of her school years documenting achievements rather than developing skills. Scholastic or athletic achievements alone do not determine your child’s future success.

Instead of focusing your praise on achievements, focus your praise on the hard work, the process. Be sure that your compliments are specific and sincere. These kinds of compliments help your freshman learn that her value is so much more than a letter grade or a trophy and that her character is more important than recognition.

Your freshman needs your support, but your compliments may be hurting rather than helping if they keep them from developing and learning. Help your child try new things, improve her abilities and value the process by avoiding general compliments that focus on results. You know the reward is often in the journey, not the destination.