As children age—parenting expert and family doctor Dr. Gilboa shares—“vast wastelands” exist between major milestones. Parents can struggle to identify the best time and method of giving their children autonomy, but “within these ‘wastelands,’” Gilboa explains, “exist[s] the time when parents need to separate the ‘we’ into ‘I and you.’”

Helping your child excel in this next stage of life will look different than it did in the past. No longer are you the advocate, the defender, or the hero. While your parenting role and your relationship will change, you can still help your child succeed in college in these 3 ways.

Start letting go

At this stage in your high school graduate’s life, you’ve likely had to extend a helping hand or a lifesaver to your sinking child from time to time. However, now that your child is heading to college, you will not be able to continue solving all of her problems.

Your child needs to start developing problem-solving skills that will help her navigate adult life. If your child does not start learning these skills now, college and adulthood will be very difficult for her. Lamar University advises parents of college freshmen to “listen and offer encouragement,” realizing that “your student is an adult who still needs a coach but not a rescuer.”

Out of love for a new college student, many parents step in or offer assistance before needed. However painful watching your child fail may be, your child can learn far more from floundering than from your taking charge, offering frequent reminders, checking-in, or paying her bills. Allowing your child to struggle to come to a decision, face failure, or deal with consequences of her choices can teach her many valuable lessons.

When a parent contacts the teacher, negotiates for extra credit, or lines up a job, the child can learn something damaging: “Mom or dad will always be there to help” or even worse  “Mom or dad don’t believe I’m capable of succeeding on my own.” In other words, your child misses out on the learning process.

In addition, her since of self-confidence in her abilities can be shattered. Why would she try if she knew mom or dad could step in and do all the work for her? Why try and fail if mom or dad can do it correctly the first time? 

While you cannot solve all of her problems or fight her battles, you can be a reliable support in this transition. Being a listening ear is one of the best things you can offer. You can be the source of sympathy, reassurance, and safety in this time where everything is different.

Hand over ownership

While working on a past article for this blog, I overheard a loudly spoken and embarrassing conversation between two male college students. One student shared a story with another student about a time when he had difficulty with a teacher. Rather than approaching that teacher to discuss this situation in private, this student told his mother about the situation. In turn, his mother wrote a letter about the teacher to the school, which resulted (according to the student) in that teacher getting in trouble.

I was embarrassed for that student, because from his tone I gathered that he thought this was the best way to resolve the dispute. He took no ownership for his actions but rather relied on a parent to step in. As a young adult, I know he will face equally (if not more) difficult employers, supervisors, and coworkers. He missed out on an excellent learning opportunity.

While doing the laundry, contacting the dean, or buying the textbooks may be easier for you to do and involve less complaining from your child, doing the work for your new college student can remove the most important lessons from college. When college comes, your child needs to know how to do some of these things for herself. She needs to take responsibility for herself, specifically her grades.

“Parent must pass the ownership of grades to the child,” a first-year advisor shared with me. Not only will you not have access to your child’s grades due to FERPA, but your child is also legally an adult. Especially if your child is paying for her own college education, she needs to take complete responsibility for her grades in college.

Certainly you want your new college student to live up to her academic potential, but pressuring her about earning As or rarely discussing anything other than her academic performance will likely hurt rather than help her. In addition, you may see your parent-child relationship suffer. If she knows you will ask her about her test grades, she may avoid your phone calls and dread coming home on breaks.

On the other hand, your child may be the one constantly coming to you for advice. While this is flattering and enjoyable for at least a time, your child’s constant phone calls and texts may be a sign you need to make yourself less available by phone. Why? Answering every phone call can create unhealthy dependence, delay problem-solving, continue decision-paralysis, and inhibit confidence-building. 

Rather than looking for a solution, she may make a quick phone call home. Your child is capable of figuring out the solution, but she just needs to go through the process. The more decisions she makes on her own, the more experienced and hopefully confident she will become. Give her the gift of ownership of her grades, problems, decisions, and consequences.

Share early and often

Parents of college freshmen often forget to communicate. While you wish your child would have the common sense to do things like call home, sometimes new college students forget about these obvious expectations.

Sharing your expectations before your child begins her classes will help her meet your expectations. In my post “Communicate Your Expectations,” I share four areas in which parents often fail to communicate enough. One of these key areas is the communication you expect from your child.

How much communication do you expect? What kind of communication do you expect? About what topics do you expect communication? Carefully consider the answers to these questions and share your thoughts with your child. 

After a month or so of college, you may need to offer a helpful reminder to call home, or you may need to adjust what communication you would like to hear. This is completely fine and normal.

Additionally, when college begins, share family news and updates with your child. During the first month of college, your child may feel miserably lonely. Keeping her in the loop will help her feel part of the family even though she is miles away.

You can’t take her classes for her. You can’t take a trip to college every time she needs to run to Walmart. But you can offer a listening ear and constant support. Help your child excel in college by starting to let go, handing over ownership, and sharing early and often.