You hardly recognize this person who used to be a child. While he may not look much different, he has changed as a person. You may feel like you’re meeting him for the first time. This is a new stage for you too.

Your freshman is arriving home for winter break in a matter of days. While you can’t wait for his arrival, you may dread some conflicts that nearly exploded over Thanksgiving break. How can you prevent conflict with your freshman over winter break? Prepare for his arrival with these 4 strategies.

4 Strategies for Preventing Conflict Over Winter Break

1. Treat your freshman differently.

Your freshman is not the same person who left for college only months ago. Your child has grown into a young adult with freedom, autonomy and responsibilities. Vicki Nelson, founder of College Parent Central, explains that freshmen “are straddling two lives at [this] point."

Your freshman is a different person but still wants to fit in at home. This situation can often cause some tension. So, who should be blamed? Your freshman shouldn’t be blamed for maturing into an adult at college.
College parents are certainly not to blame either, because you’ve done nothing wrong. You eagerly anticipate your freshman coming back home and being part of the family. However, you may feel like you don’t know your child anymore.

You may feel uncomfortable and awkward, finding yourself jumping to conclusions. Instead of assuming the worst, Ohio State University's vice president for student life Javaune Adams-Gaston advises parents to view these changes as opportunities for discussion. Ask questions instead of giving advice or making assertions. Truly listen to your freshman and be open to discussion on difficult topics.

Practically speaking, how can you treat your freshman differently? First, restrain yourself from providing frequent reminders. Your freshman has lived on a regimented schedule, which required him to keep track of responsibilities and requirements. Your reminders, although meant to be helpful, may seem insulting to your child who is now a young adult.

As an example, if you ask your freshman to vacuum the carpets in the house, do not remind him to complete the task. Instead, give him a deadline by which to complete the task. Allow some buffer room in case he does forget, but again refuse to remind him. Confront him if he fails to meet the deadline and remind him that he agreed to complete the task.

Second, restrain yourself from giving wake up calls. Your freshman, realistically, will want to sleep in for at least a few weeks. If holiday or family events arise, inform him of these events the day before but refrain from knocking on his door to wake him up. Your freshman should be able to do this without a wake up call.

Waking him up may come across as being more annoying than helpful, so don’t do it. Allow him to arrive late to obligations, even if he faces severe consequences. If your child inconveniences the rest of the family with his tardiness, sit him down and have a serious discussion with him about your expectations.

Third, restrain yourself from requiring your freshman to participate in every family activity. You probably have ideas of fun family-bonding activities that will be just like “old-times,” but the freshman your picturing doesn’t exist anymore. Your child is not the same person, so be understanding if he sometimes has other plans.

Avoid packing your returning freshman’s schedule with busy activities. Instead, discuss what activities are required. Allow your freshman to pick and choose some events. Remember winter break at home is new territory for your freshman too.

2. Give your freshman space.

Your freshman’s first semester experience was not the same as yours was decades ago. Most colleges no longer have exams after a short two-week break. Instead your freshman arrives home post-finals.

Expect your child to be exhausted and probably loaded with dirty laundry. The 4 to 6 weeks your college freshman is home may drive you and him crazy, but you’re back together again.

Just because you’re together again doesn’t mean things haven’t changed, after all you’ve changed too. You will have to navigate the new dynamics at home carefully. Give your freshman time to unwind after a crazy semester filled with many changes. Don’t be surprised if all your freshman wants to do is sleep, eat, watch Netflix and play video games.

Allow him to catch up on rest. Try to be considerate in the mornings, but don’t feel like you need to serve him breakfast every morning. Remember your freshman has been living autonomously from you for months. He can get breakfast and lunch for himself.

Prepare siblings still at home for any changes. The rules for your freshman may be different than those for younger siblings. Explain this transition clearly and clarify any adjustments at home. Maybe a sibling has moved into your freshman’s room. Your freshman may be shocked his childhood bedroom is no longer intact. If possible, allow your freshman to move back into his old room for most of break.

Expect your freshman to need some time to process first semester. Maybe his grades struggled or he constantly felt lonely. Realize this time has included some pretty major transitions. Before diving in and advising him on the ways he can improve, allow a few weeks for him to process the semester for himself.

Space and time to reflect on all the change allow your freshman to bounce back and help you to adjust to this new person who was a child just a few months ago.

3. Ask questions about college.

Winter break is a perfect time for freshmen and their parents to assess and adapt. First semester may have been a doozy of a semester. Your freshman may have failed some classes, discovered that business is not a good fit for him or may have made unwise friend choices.

After a few weeks of break, you should discuss all of these things. However, rather than reprimanding or advising your freshman, choose to ask questions:

• What would you differently if you could start over again?

• What worked well and should be repeated next semester?

• How are you enjoying your major classes?

• What are you learning in your major classes?

• What changes would you like to make before next semester?

Notice how these questions are not about grades. At this point, your freshman should feel fully responsible for his success or failure. Your main concern isn’t a 4.0 or his getting a girlfriend, instead think about the big picture.

Many students consider changing majors in between first and second semester. While this can be a good time to switch majors, I would caution a freshman about switching majors after only one semester.

At this point, your freshman has only experienced a very small part of what his major is like. If your freshman is pretty set on switching majors, encourage him to shadow someone in his field over break. You know that academia is often very different from real-life work. Shadowing can help him get a better idea of what his major is like in action.

If your freshman’s poor grades require him to switch majors, consider his options. Don’t advise your freshman to do something he likes without adding another the more important components of skill and aptitude. His major should certainly provide enjoyment, but he should also be skilled or be able to develop skills in this new area.

There may be a closely-related major that your child does enjoy and has ability in. This should be a serious consideration, because this new major will probably allow him to transfer credits over from his old major. If he can prevent staying in college another semester, do what you can to avoid it.

Many students consider dropping out of college or staying out a semester in between first and second semester. If financial cost is an issue, consider available scholarships or financial aid. Instead of handling all of the finances, have your freshman call the financial aid office at his college. While he may resist calling, he needs to take financial ownership of his degree.

If grades are an issue, consider what options are available to your freshman. While this hopefully is a wake-up call signaling that he needs to get his act together, your freshman may be able to continue in a different major. Again instead of calling on your freshman’s behalf, have your freshman email or call his academic advisor and discuss his options. He needs to take ownership of his grades too.

Before making any big decisions allow your freshman a week or so to contemplate his options. Restrain yourself from making the choice for him. This is his education and he needs to own it.

4. Discuss rules and expectations.

Even though you’ve been texting and calling frequently, you may surprised to find that your freshman has changed much more than you thought. Your child may be confused about what rules apply to him and what your expectations are.

Although home is home, your freshman may feel more like a guest than a family member. So, what rules still apply? Does he have special privileges? Openly communicate to your freshman, because he will only know the rules and expectations if you tell him.

The rules that framed your freshman’s behavior while in high school will probably require some adjustments after his spending time at college. While this is difficult when younger siblings are still in the home, try to give your freshman unique exceptions.

Saying “my house, my rules” may allow you to silence your freshman’s arguments, but try to be open to discussion. Allow some compromise. Even though you’re still the parent and your word goes, some discussion about your freshman’s role in the home may help ease this transition process.

You do need to maintain order in your home, but do so by clearly laying out what tasks you expect your freshman to complete while at home during winter break. You are not your child’s maid or glorified housekeeper, so requiring some household chores is perfectly acceptable.

Discuss your expectations for winter break as well. Curfew and use of family vehicles are commonly issues that cause conflict. Give clear guidelines about both, setting deadlines at least a day in advance.

Because of the extra time on his hands, your freshman may become restless if he does nothing over break. Encourage him to fill his time with worthwhile tasks like finding a part-time job over winter break or next summer, shadowing a professional or applying for internships.

Don’t forget to ask your freshman if he has any expectations for his winter break. What does he want to accomplish? Encourage him to catch up on sleep while allowing him to determine how to use his free time, because he has to live with the consequences.

Conflict often arises when you fail to discuss rules and expectations with your freshman. Prevent unnecessary conflict by laying these out beforehand.

So, how can you prevent conflict over winter break? Realize your freshman is a young adult who needs some space. Provide clear boundaries and communicate expectations. After giving him time to recover, discuss his semester by asking questions and being a listening ear. Lastly don’t forget you are adjusting too. It will take time, but winter break can be an enjoyable experience for you and your freshman.