Your freshman calls home and explains his dilemma: he was invited to a party the day before his big test. You tell him that he should spend his evening studying rather than partying. He begrudgingly admits you’re probably right but thinks the party might give him an energy boost for studying.

In the end, you were right. He does horribly on his test the next day. He calls again to tell you how bummed he is about his grade. You do feel bad for him, but you also want to say “I told you so.”

You were right, and you did tell him that studying would benefit him more than partying. However, saying “I told you so” is probably one of the most discouraging things you could say. Here’s why . . .

3 Reasons Saying “I Told You So” Discourages Your Freshman

1. Your freshman knows he was wrong.

Your freshman is still learning the concept of actions and consequences, and sometimes failure is the best teacher. Your freshman made poor choices, and as a result he has unpleasant consequences. He is aware now that whatever he did was probably not the best choice.

But what if he keeps on making these mistakes? Will he ever learn? As you well know, every child is different. Some children have to touch a hot stove multiple times before learning that it hurts. In other words, they don’t learn after making just one mistake.

Even though you were right, hearing “I told you so” may cause him to miss the most important lesson—his poor choices led to painful consequences. Instead of figuring out how to amend his ways, he may become sidetracked from the real issue by reacting to your comment.

In reality, your freshman knows what he did was unwise or wrong. Telling him he was unwise will not add to his understanding. Obviously, if he could go back in time, your freshman would want to make better choices. After all, few people (if any) make mistakes or fail on purpose.

If your child is a perfectionist, his failure may deeply dent his self-confidence. Reminding your freshman that you told him what to do and he ignored your advice only makes him feel more discouraged. His increased discouragement may cause him difficulty in struggling to recover.

So, what should you do instead of pointing out he was wrong? First, listen to him. Your freshman needs to process his poor choices by talking it out. Second, ask questions. Questions like these can go a long way:

• If you could go back in time what would you do differently?

• What choices led to _________ happening?

• How can you prevent this from happening next time?

Your freshman knows he’s made a bad choice. Work to help him learn from his past mistakes. Instead of saying “I told you so,” (focusing on the past), help him focus on what he can do differently in the future.

2. Your freshman knows you predicted this outcome.

You did tell him so—literally. In fact, the events may have unfolded exactly like you predicted to the most minute detail, but hearing that you told him so probably will only make him feel discouraged. Your freshman will wonder how he made such an unwise choice. How could he not foresee what you did?

In these moments when you are tempted to say “I told you so,” consider what you are truly trying to communicate. Are you trying to communicate that you know more than he does? Are you trying to communicate that you have more experience than he does? Are you wanting credit for your foresight?

Your freshman is fully aware that you know better than he does, although he may be quite reluctant to admit it. You have more life experience probably as a result of making your own poor choices in the past. Don’t forget that failure is a wonderful teacher. You can tell him to wake up earlier and get stuff done each weekend until you’re blue in the face, but until he wants to do this for himself he won’t.

Your freshman needs to make wise choices for himself. He needs to have the freedom to make mistakes without having to hear “I told you so” later, because as an adult your freshman will have to learn what’s best sometimes based on trial and error. Your child won’t know what does and doesn’t work until you give him the freedom to fail.

It’s hard to let your child fail. When he fails, you feel like you failed. He needs to grow on his own. Failure will help him do so. Be careful not to make his struggles your own.

3. Your freshman knows that he didn’t take your wise advice.

Your advice was spot on. Your predictions came true. Your freshman didn’t listen to your counsel. Instead, he did what he thought would work for him, and he was wrong.

Your freshman is fully aware that he was wrong and reminding him of this will not be helpful. Saying “I told you so” may be perceived as a passive aggressive way of dealing with the problem. This prolongs the issue and may make you come across as a “know-it-all” rather than a caring parent.

This comment indirectly assumes that you know your freshman better than he knows himself. Your freshman is probably more self-aware than you think. He is fully aware that he tends to procrastinate or go to bed too late, but he may have difficulty applying this knowledge and changing his behavior.

This comment may condition him to fail. Let me explain. By constantly assuming he will procrastinate, he is experiencing the consequences of failing due to procrastination without actually doing it. Certainly, he is the one making the choice to procrastinate. (You’re not making him do this.) However, by constantly being accused of delaying his homework he may think “what’s the difference if I do procrastinate, since I’m being accused of it anyhow.”

Stef Daniel, writer for professorshouse.com, encourages parents to expect the best rather than the worst of their kids. Daniel says, “perhaps if we expected the best from our kids as easily as we brace for the worst they might surprise us.” Believe the best, not the worst, about your freshman.

Uttering the words “I told you so” may be the most discouraging comment your freshman could hear. These words remind him he did something incorrectly and he ignored your predictions and advice. (In his mind, how much more of a loser could he be?) Instead, help him learn from his failure and focus on fixing problems!