Perfectionists Not-So-Anonymous: 4 Ways Perfectionism Harms College Freshmen
I hate making mistakes (seriously hate it). Taking risks or flying “by the seat of my pants” stresses me out, because I like to live in a fairly predictable and controllable reality. If I mess up, I have a hard time recovering and often consider myself a complete failure.
In college, I was often far too focused on getting As. During my freshman year, I was obsessed with my grades. I was determined to earn a 4.0 at whatever cost. Friendships, sleep, and dating would have to wait, because all I cared about was achieving all As.
If you can’t tell already, I was (and can still be) quite the perfectionist. But, what is perfectionism? According to Stephanie Kaplan Lewis—the Co-Founder and CEO of Her Campus Media—perfectionism is “a state of mind characterized by ‘all or nothing’ thinking, holding your own actions to unreasonably high standards, focusing heavily on results and a fear of failure.” Living this way can be dangerous, causing more harm than good in these 4 ways.
4 Ways Perfectionism Can Harm Your College Experience
1. Perfectionism focuses in the wrong place.
Your primary focus shouldn’t be on your grades, your friends, or your health. All of these things can and should require your attention, but they should not be your primary focus. If all of your focus is misdirected toward one of these things, you probably struggle with perfectionism.
If are constantly frustrated by earning an A- or a B+, your perfectionistic tendencies are harming your outlook. Instead of looking at how much you’ve learned from the process, you are obsessing over errors. You’re focused on the few mistakes rather than actually learning something.
Carol Tavris and Elliot Aronson, in their book Mistakes Were Made (But Not by Me), believe that students “know they’re supposed to say, ‘we learn from our mistakes,’ but deep down, they don’t believe it for a minute.” Theoretically, you know that mistakes help you learn but that doesn’t mean you avoid making them at all costs.
Rather than focusing on the actual learning process, perfectionism plays the blame game. Tavris and Aronson continue, “people treat mistakes like hot potatoes, eager to get rid of them as fast as possible, even if they have to toss them in someone else’s lap.” Constantly blaming someone or something actually shows insecurity, because secure people own up to their mistakes.
Mistakes don’t make you a failure or a loser. They merely make you human (which you are). In her book Better by Mistake, Alina Tugend points to the merits of making mistakes. She believes that failing to admit that you make mistakes can be a means to protect yourself. Ultimately it’s easier to blame to someone or something else than to show weaknesses or flaws.
Place your focus instead on the learning process. Assess your college experience with these questions:
Am I truly working hard?
Do I enjoy what I'm learning?
Am I becoming more confident in my abilities?
Your focus should not be primarily on getting good grades, making life-long friends, or dating the right person. Obsessing over any or all of these things will always leave you dissatisfied. Instead, be willing to make some mistakes, get back up, and continue learning.
2. Perfectionism sabotages your own success.
You are probably your own worst critic. Even after doing well on a test, playing well in a game, or performing well in a concert—you can only think about your mistakes. Depending on your major, self-reflection and self-evaluation may be a very necessary part of improving your craft. Being obsessed with details, however, may hold you back from being truly successful.
Before going further, let’s distinguish the difference between excellence and perfectionism. I went to a university that placed high priority on excellence. It was constantly heralded as being the primary goal for each student’s academic endeavors. I struggled with this idea. What does it really mean to be excellent? Does that mean that I have to be flawless and efficient at all times?
Jeff Szymanski, executive director of the OCD foundation, defines excellence as “involv[ing] enjoying what you’re doing, feeling good about what what you’ve learned, and developing confidence.” On the other hand, perfectionism is “feeling bad about [earning] a 98 [out of 100] and always finding mistakes no matter how well you’re doing.”
If you truly want to learn and grow as a person in college, you have to stop demanding perfection (as defined by Szymanski) from yourself. You will always be disappointed, because being perfect is simply impossible. Not only is the expectation of perfection an impossibility, but it also squashes any creativity you can or do have.
Problem-solving of any kind requires you to think creatively, but if you’re too afraid of failing you probably will struggle to develop this skill. Think of a problem you’re facing in school right now. It could be memorizing proofs for your math class, writing a paper for your English class, or dealing with your roommate’s loudness. Brainstorm some possible solutions, and don’t allow yourself to eliminate any ideas prematurely.
If you’re anything like me (a self-labeled perfectionist), you probably struggle to come up with a list longer than 2 or 3 options. Why? You’re already eliminating what won’t work and instead listing reasons why they’re unfeasible. Stop squashing your own creativity and sabotaging your own success!
Learning from mistakes is impossible if you fail to deal with them. Brushing them under the rug, pretending they didn’t happen, or mulling over the details over and over again in your head won’t help you grow. Instead, you’ll probably continue making mistakes, because you failed to get any feedback.
Even though I’ve been writing for years, I still make grammar and spelling mistakes. I should be perfect by now (you would think), but sometimes I review posts from months ago and still find obvious errors. I get incredibly frustrated—“how did I not see this?” I start to doubt myself and my abilities—“should I even be publishing content on a blog?”
If a friend or a family member reads a post and very kindly points out a confusing sentence, I cringe. I hate it—“how am I still making these kinds of mistakes? I’ve read this post 6 or 7 times before publishing!”
This is the wrong reaction to making mistakes. Instead of turning to self-doubt and mentally beating myself up, I should allow this feedback to help me improve, not give up.
Don’t allow your perfectionistic tendencies sabotage your own success. You are doing incredible things! Your mistakes can make you better and stronger but only if you allow yourself to learn from each slip-up.
3. Perfectionism relies upon others heavily.
A deep desire to please others often comes along with perfectionism. You want to be liked and, therefore, avoid obvious social blunders. At this point, you’ve learned how to be well-liked and get along with most people or you’ve thrown up your hands in dismay and stopped trying.
You don’t have to be fake or lack all self-confidence when socializing. There are other options. You can and should be yourself, without feeling the need to pretend, but your perfectionism might be getting in the way.
Perfectionists often live in a weird state of independence and dependence. While you are probably a pretty independent person with deep thoughts and feelings, you also are probably pretty concerned about what others think about you. You find yourself stuck between not caring what people think and caring way too much about what they think.
I know this, because this is how I tend to be. I am independent. I have strong opinions and do feel confident in my abilities most of the time. However, I am also dependent. I have a deeply rooted desire to be liked, and I struggle being rejected or disliked.
Unfortunately, perfectionists can’t have both worlds. They can’t be independent and free but also have the approval and favor of others. (Unfortunately, life doesn’t work like that.) By obsessing over the approval of others, you are allowing other people (peers, teachers, etc.) to control you indirectly.
Wanting to please authority figures (like your parents) is a perfectly normal and healthy desire. You want them to be proud of you and like you. The danger is when you obsess over earning their approval. Even if they do praise your achievements, you will probably still feel like you need to do more or what you did was not enough.
Life after college doesn’t usually include graded assessments. Your employer won’t give you a letter grade for your presentation. You’ll be fortunate to get much feedback beyond the words “good job.”
Instead of focusing on the approval of others, think through what factors should determine your decisions and behavior. You need to tread your own path, and while others can help guide you they can’t travel the path for you. You will have to make and learn from your own mistakes.
4. Perfectionism blinds you to others.
This is perhaps one of the greatest ways in which your perfectionism can harm your college experience. You may become so consumed with your own shortcomings that you are completely blind to those around you. You fail to see they have needs too.
As a result of your perfectionism, you may be very critical of others. (After all, you have high standards for yourself.) The Muse describes this constant critiquing as a defense mechanism.
Think about a specific person with which you struggle to get along. You probably struggle with that person, because his or her behavior remind you of your own shortcomings. Because you can’t fix your own issues, you may intensely focus on and be frustrated by those same shortcomings in someone else.
Instead of fixating on problems in someone else, look inward. Why do you dislike that person? What about specifically frustrates you? Do you demonstrate that behavior? How can you work on your own shortcomings?
You can’t change or control other people. You really can’t, so work on yourself. Be responsible for your choices, fixing everything and everybody else is not your job. You can only determine your own behavior.
Group projects in particular can be a struggle for the perfectionist. Taking control and carrying the bulk of the load is far easier than entrusting your grade to other students. You honestly don’t mind doing this either, because you want to earn an A. Instead of becoming obsessed with your letter grade, sit back and enjoy the process. Do what you can. Be a help to others, but don’t take control. Other people have good ideas and abilities too, but you may have to step back and allow them to contribute.
Living with roommates can be a struggle for the perfectionist. You get tired of their laziness and messes. You always seem to have to compensate for their failures. Instead of focusing on their frustrating behavior, assist them. How can you meet their needs? Focusing on helping them causes you to see them as people, not inconveniences.
Friendships can be a struggle for the perfectionist. Finding the right-fit friend can be very difficult, because you don’t want anybody who’s a threat to you (aka more accomplished or intelligent). You also don’t want anybody who’s a project for you (aka much lazier or less intelligent). Instead of basing your friendships on your own insecurities, look how you can be a help to someone else. How can you lend a hand to a struggling peer? How can you be an encouragement to another perfectionist? How can you help someone else?
In retrospect, my perfectionistic goals for my freshman year were ridiculous. While there’s nothing wrong with earning As, there are other goals that should be more important. If you struggle with perfectionism, welcome to the club! I’m one too. Instead of allowing our failures to paralyze us, let’s use our perfectionistic tendencies to continue improving.
