Should My College Freshman Be Able to Do Whatever They Want?
Transitioning from a parent of a high school to a parent of a college student is challenging. Just a few months ago, your child was likely struggling to pick out items for their dorm room. Now, they’re attending a full college class schedule and maybe even living away from home. Wow.
If you haven’t already faced a few tricky parenting situations, you may start wondering what your freshman should and shouldn’t be allowed to do. Anxious thoughts may cloud your mind.
While I’m not a parent, my time teaching hundreds of college freshmen revealed a few insights that might help with this question.
Should my college freshman have a curfew?
You know your child needs lots of sleep. Your freshman knows that too. But no matter how many suggestions you drop or advice you offer, your freshman will do what they do.
Some colleges do have curfews–a deadline for being back in the dorm room. If your child lives at home, even the use of the word “curfew” may feel condescending to your freshman.
So what’s the solution? Let me ask you a question: How would you handle a scheduling conflict with another adult? As odd as it may seem, collaborating with your freshman to find a solution that works for both of you (just like you would with a peer, coworker, etc.) helps not only to set your expectation but communicate it clearly.
Should my college freshman be able to hang out with students who are a bad influence?
Friends, peers, significant others, etc. can hold a tremendous influence over your child. While you can smell trouble from a mile away, controlling who your freshman can and can’t spend time with is more than logistically difficult. It’s really impossible.
So what’s the solution? Trust and support. Trust your freshman to make wise choices and be there to offer support when they need it. Your freshman may be naive or easily influenced, but they have to learn how to build their own social circle. College is a training ground.
Should my college freshmen share their grades with me?
Every freshman undergoes an academic adjustment period at the start of college. College courses are different from high school courses. (They’re not necessarily harder. It’s a different kind of schedule.) Learning to juggle all the responsibilities of college takes time, so even the best students may struggle to earn the same grades they did in high school.
So what’s the solution? College isn’t cheap. If you’re paying the bill, you need to communicate the academic effort you expect. You might be tempted to issue an ultimatum or remove privileges (e.g., phone usage). What typically works better is having a collaborative conversation and coming to a mutual agreement that works for both parties. This not only reminds them of the big picture but also demonstrates your support.
Your freshman is in college. At the age of 18, they’re legally an adult. If your core desire is to help your freshman function like an independent, successful adult, support and guide them as they learn to function independently by making decisions with them like they are an adult. They won’t get it perfect. They’ll make mistakes. That’s what college is for.
Last note: Some college freshmen who are putting themselves or others in harm’s way need more supervision. In these cases, consulting your child’s student life staff or a professional counselor would be wise.
