How to Encourage Your Weary College Freshman
Your college freshman hardly sleeps, eats, or socializes. She cannot wait until the semester is complete. You’ve noticed how discouraged she seems to be. You wish you could help, but you’re not entirely sure how to help.
College parents can do much to help without sending money or care packages, though your freshman appreciates gifts too. Your words can help uplift your weary college freshman. Hearing encouragement from you in these 5 areas can truly encourage your freshman!
1. Share good news—“guess what?”
Your freshman is tired, although “exhausted” might be a better description. Your child wearily keeps going. She often expresses that she wants to give up, throw in the towel, and drive home for good.
Your freshman’s stress, physical exhaustion, and demanding academics are overwhelming, and she needs to hear some encouragement. How can you help? Share good news!
Not only is your freshman possibly dealing with roommate and friend drama, but she is constantly hearing about injustice, violence, and hatred on the news. When your child talks to you on the phone, she needs to hear positivity.
Tell her about the exciting things going on at home: the salary raise you received, the event happening this summer, etc. Focusing on the positive happening right now and in the near future can help lift her up. She will see that this hard time of pushing through leads to exciting things in the future.
If you struggle being a positive person, talking positively may be difficult for you. Before talking to your freshman, try to make a list of 2-3 positive stories to share. Then mentally review what good things occurred in each instance. Positivity is infectious, and your freshman will take notice.
If your child struggles with sibling jealousy or comparing herself to others, being positive may be challenging. Why? Your freshman constantly compares herself to her siblings, peers in her major, her friends, or similarly-aged family friends. As a result, she is often discouraged.
As someone who struggles with constant comparison, I can relate to your freshman. Let me share with you some well-meaning positive comments that actually hurt more than help.
First, showing videos of other successful 18-year-olds discourages your freshman. While you may enjoy and even marvel at young musicians, actors, or athletes, your freshman feels like a failure when you share these videos with her. She might think: “What am I doing with my life?” or “I can never measure up to that.” Instead of being inspired, she will likely come away discouraged.
Second, repeatedly bragging about your other children discourages your freshman. While you are excited about your other children’s success, your freshman may feel that these comments are somehow aimed at her. She may feel like she’s not measuring up to her other siblings. She may feel like you are trying to hint that you wish she could be more like her brother or sister. Instead of being excited for her sibling, your freshman may become discouraged.
Third, giving generic compliments discourages your freshman. You are meaning to encourage your freshman but instead your compliments may come across as insincere or forced. Why? Your compliments are generic, so your freshman dismisses them. If you take specific notice of the details, your freshman will see you don’t “have to say that” because of being her mom or dad.
Help your freshman be encouraged by asking for her to share the positive things in her life. This may take some prodding on your part, because your freshman’s discouraged perspective may be fairly gloomy. Instead of asking about grades or how many friends she has made, focus your questions on her college experiences. Try questions like these:
Are you enjoying what you’re learning?
What have you learned about _________?
What are you looking forward to learning?
What are you looking forward to doing with friends?
What fun plans do you have for this summer?
These kinds of questions force your freshman to think ahead not below or behind. You can help lift her spirits in one short phone call. Your good news can help to make her day!
2. Remember the goal—“why are you in college?”
Your freshman is still very young. She has a hard time seeing what’s ahead, because her day-to-day life is currently exhausting and overwhelming. Your freshman feels stuck and merely wants the school year to be over. How can you help?
Remind her of the long-term goal! In other words, ask her why she is going to college. Your freshman knows the real answer, but she may need you to press her. Your child’s ultimate goal is not just to please you with the completion of a college degree. Her goal isn’t merely to get a job either. Her long-term goal is to develop professional skills that will equip her for a successful career.
Your freshman is naive and inexperienced, but her perspective doesn’t have to be. Help her see the merit of earning a college degree. Remind her that her skills not only add value to her as a professional but also as a person.
One of these important skills is thinking critically. Before college, your freshman’s thinking has been largely shaped by your thinking. Her beliefs, values, and convictions are likely a result of what you emphasized in your parenting.
Now at college, your freshman is learning that life and people are more complex than she thought. Interacting with different cultures, religions, and moral choices have challenged her thinking. This valuable skill will help her navigate adulthood.
A second important skill is managing time. Most incoming college freshmen struggle with time management, largely because they did not have to balance multiple responsibilities in the past. College was a major learning experience for her.
Now your freshman is far from perfect, but she has learned how to better handle her responsibilities. She knows when to say “no” to social occasions, when to contact her professor, how to confront her college roommates, and more. These valuable skills are a result of her college experience.
A third important skill is building relationships. When your freshman first came to college, she likely experienced some loneliness or even homesickness. As time went on, she learned how to build friendships. She learned what friends are worth her time and what friends are not.
Now your freshman is better able to maintain conversations, talk to new people, and initiate spending time with people. She is more comfortable in her own skin, and she is more confident in her social abilities. These valuable skills will help her now and in the future.
A fourth important skill is working through her own problems. While you want to help your freshman deal with her problems, you’ve learned to let go. You’ve learned that sometimes she needs to fight her own battles.
Now your freshman has learned how to deal with difficult roommates and friends, contest grades, and get back up after failing. Your freshman learned many problem-solving skills at college. She will never regret developing these valuable life skills.
3. Express excitement for your freshman’s arrival—“I can’t wait to see you!”
Your freshman can sometimes feel forgotten. Miles away from home, she may feel that you barely realize she is gone. Even if you do call once a week, she may still feel left out.
Your freshman does not realize how hard it was for you to say goodbye every time she leaves for college. You miss her on a daily basis, and you wish she was closer to home. If you don’t want to be overbearing or attached at the hip, you are probably careful not to share how much you miss her.
Your freshman, however, occasionally needs to hear how much you miss her. How can you share you miss her without suffocating or discouraging her? Turn it into a positive thought: you are excited for her arrival home.
You are excited for your freshman to be around. Especially if your freshman only comes home for school breaks, you miss her being around the house. Your home is not quite the same without her in it.
You are excited for your freshman to be with the family. Your family feels incomplete when your freshman is gone at college. You wish she was able to take part in family activities, especially around birthdays, celebrations, and holiday festivities.
You are excited for your freshman to have a break. Your freshman has worked hard at college. Although her grades and experience are far from perfect, she has dedicated herself to doing well. You are looking forward to her being to sleep more, eat well, and spend time with you and her friends.
You are excited for your freshman to have freedom from academic pressures. College classes were harder than your freshman anticipated. Your freshman learned that earning Bs does not mean she is a failure. She also learned that all classes require hard work at times, even the “easy” ones. But now, she needs a break from school.
You truly cannot wait for your freshman to return home from college. You know this semester is difficult, especially the last few weeks of the semester. You want to help, so encourage her by expressing excitement for her return home.
4. Acknowledge your freshman’s hard work—“I noticed you’ve been working hard!”
Your freshman is constantly working on one task or another. After months of hard work, she is probably more than weary. Even if she could still improve her school-life balance, consciously acknowledge her dedication to her education.
The professor-student environment in college is usually less personal than it was in high school. As a result, your freshman’s hard work is most likely rarely acknowledged by the teacher in any other form than a letter grade. While this reality does in many ways reflect adulthood, your freshman is still young and may be easily discouraged upon hearing little to no positive feedback.
Your freshman may think no one knows or cares about her hard work, so be the encouraging voice that helps her push on. Start by acknowledging her hard work in these 4 areas.
First, acknowledge that your freshman is working hard at earning good grades. You’ve seen her navigate, struggle, and persist in her classes. She continues to work at improving, even when her grades are satisfactory. She works to understand concepts, even when they do not interest her.
Your freshman’s efforts should be commended. She is building character in this process. You notice a difference in her, and you can encourage her by sharing what you’ve noticed.
Second, acknowledge that your freshman is working hard to pay for college. Because of your financial position, you might not be able to help much with your freshman’s school bills. You know this process is good for her, but you do not like that she has to work and get loans for college.
Your freshman not only dedicates herself to her studies, but she also works hours at a job she doesn’t enjoy. Because of her busy work and school schedule, she gets less sleep than you’d like. You appreciate her hard work, so tell her to provide some encouragement.
Third, acknowledge that your freshman is working hard in classes she dislikes. You know she dislikes, maybe even hates, that one class. Unfortunately, that class is required for graduation. You know she struggles with the teacher, the subject matter, or both.
Learning to work hard at something you do not enjoy teaches valuable lessons, but you still don’t enjoy seeing your freshman struggle. You appreciate that your freshman still gives 110%, even though she dislikes that class. Encourage her by acknowledging her hard work!
Fourth, acknowledge that your freshman is working hard to find summer work. Your freshman may have applied to internships, part-time positions, or unpleasant jobs. You appreciate her dedication to find work.
Your freshman is juggling school, work, a social life, and searching for summer positions. Her schedule is packed on a daily basis, and you appreciate that she keeps up with all of her responsibilities. Tell her how much you appreciate her hard work!
5. Show unconditional love—“I love you no matter what!”
Getting validation from achievements or grades is an easy pitfall in college. After a while, your freshman may start to believe that her value is solely found in her grades or her major. The reality is her value is not found in her grades, her major, her future career, or her relationships. Her value comes from her character. Help her see that her character matters most by showing unconditional love.
Your unconditional love provides a stable foundation for your freshman. No matter what happens your freshman needs to know that you love her. Expressing your love about these 3 things can help her be confident and secure.
First, you love her no matter what her major is. Sometimes freshmen can feel a great deal of pressure from parents to major in one area or another. As a result, freshmen often major in an area to please their parents. They are looking for validation from parents rather than pursuing a major that advances their careers.
As a parent, you may be growing weary of your freshman constant indecisiveness. Whether your freshman has declared a major or not, encourage her to pick a major that is a good fit for her. Your freshman’s major should be something she enjoys and has some aptitude for, so encourage her to get experience in a field before declaring it as her major.
Express your love for her apart from what she studies. Her major is not what makes you love her. You love her no matter what major she chooses, because you are her parent.
Second, you love her no matter what grades she earns. Performance-driven freshmen can feel pressure to earn grades to receive validation from parents. If phone discussions center mainly on grades, your freshman may think your affection and love depends on her earning good grades.
Your love is not based on achievements, looks, or athleticism, so be careful your conversations do not imply a conditional love. You love your freshman for who she is, and her grades will not lessen your love for her in any way.
Express your love for your freshman apart from her accomplishments. Focus your compliments on her character, not things she cannot control (e.g. like her appearance). In addition, focus your personal comments on who she is as a person.
Third, you love her no matter how well-liked she is at college. You cannot judge a book by its cover, but in college freshmen are often judged only on their outward appearance. Their skill level, their clothing choices, their Instagram follower count. Your freshman can soon think that her number of friends determines her value.
Your freshman has value as a person not because of her likability or talent, but because of who she is as a person. The externalism and shallowness of some college relationships can beat down your freshman’s confidence. Encourage your freshman that you love her no matter what. Even if her roommate thinks she’s weird, even if her classmate laughs at her outfit choices, or even if she has no friends to eat dinner with, you love her.
Your freshman’s exhaustion is at an all-time low. You are worried she will not be able to finish, but you can help her by providing some encouragement. Actively work to encourage your weary freshman. Your freshman needs to hear these encouraging words from you!
