“Usually, this is the group that’s most concerned about report cards,” shares one Maryland high school principal in reference to straight-A students. This principle shares how these students are often the ones who struggle with peer-pressure, unrealistic expectations, and excessive worry.

Not every good student earns all As, and in some cases these students mostly desire “perfect” grades due to unintentional or intentional pressure from a parent. “Perfect” grades can be deceptive, however, because they don’t always indicate actual learning is happening.

Earning a B or an occasionally lower grade can sometimes be the best thing to happen to your college freshman. Why? It helps provide realistic and manageable expectations. In an article for the Washington Post, Phyllis L. Fagel points to the balance colleges and universities seek to help students find: “Schools still want to see academic rigor, but not at the expense of students leading balanced lives.”

How can you find the balance as a parent between appropriate checking in and hovering over your freshman’s academic performance? Below are two suggestions.

Consider your role.

In your freshman’s elementary, middle school, and high school years, you were very involved in her academics. You were her guide, her study buddy, her tutor, and her cheerleader.

Now that your child is a college student, your role has changed. You are now longer right at hand to assist her, because you are farther away physically. Additionally, FERPA laws prohibit you from having the access you used to have to your freshman’s grades.

Naturally you will need to adapt the role you play in your freshman’s academic life. So how can you do this? 

First, encourage honesty in your communication with your freshman. Freshmen, especially perfectionistic, high-achieving freshmen, often feel pressure to conceal bad grades or even lie about course grades.

Due to said or unsaid pressure, your freshman may feel that you will only be happy with an A in every class. As a result, your freshman struggles to be completely honest with you. She fears your disappointment, your correction, etc.

While you want your freshman to do well, be careful not to imply you desire academic perfection. Make your phone calls a “safe space” to discuss poor grades. Carefully monitor your reactions to her grades. If necessary, call her back before responding to her academic performance. You want her to know that you love her no matter what her grades are.

Additionally, set up a pattern of honesty with your freshman. Be sure to set an example of transparency about your own shortcomings. Your freshman needs to know that you experience failure too.

Second, focus on learning in your conversations. Sadly, actual learning can get lost in your freshman’s college education. Earning certain percentages and the “right” letter grades can become your freshman’s all-consuming focus.

While earning good grades can be a sign your freshman is mastering material and developing skills, good grades are not always the best indicator that your freshman is learning. Learning is a skill your freshman needs to develop and continue using long after her school days are over.

How can you help your freshman focus on learning? Start by asking less about grades. When your focus isn’t on grades, her focus is less likely to be on her grades as well. When your focus is on learning, her focus is more likely to be on learning.

Consider the impact of your questions.

Your constant questions about grades may actually impact your freshman in a negative way. If your freshman observes a pattern of asking about grades or arguing about grades from you, she is likely to imitate this pattern.

As a college instructor, I regularly interact with college students who argue with me about their grades. Regardless of whether their arguments are legitimate or not, I have concerns for these students.

The vast majority of the time these students are not actually seeking to learn, to grow, to improve. The basis of contesting their grades has to do with fairness or what they think they deserve. Logically I get this. I’ve been in their shoes. I know how frustrating it can be to work hard on an assignment or study long for a test only to earn a mediocre grade. It stinks.

Again as a teacher, my focus is not primarily on helping my students earn good grades but on helping them learn life skills. When I hear about or experience parents encouraging a focus on grades, I am saddened. Why? Earning good grades doesn’t typically help prepare you for a career. Learning skills and mastering concepts helps prepare you for a career and life in general.

The question “how often should you check your freshman’s grades?” isn’t really the right question. The right question is “how can you encourage your freshman to focus on learning?” This question helps your freshman understand the true value of her education.