Helping Your High School Graduate Without Hovering
Letting go is difficult. You can still remember the first day you brought your child home from the hospital. It feels like that was only days ago. Now you are sitting, watching your high school graduate cross the stage to receive his high school diploma.
This summer is challenging for you. You know that in a matter of weeks your child will be leaving for college. You want to savor these last weeks together, but you also want your graduate to start preparing for the journey ahead.
While jumping in and taking over the packing process for college may be easier for you, consider what your motive is. in your heart of hearts, you want to help your child so that his transition will be easier. But you may also be anxious about your child putting off what he should be doing today.
Taking charge of preparing for the move to college also communicates something to your graduate. Your child may conclude taking initiative or responsibility for college preparations is probably a waste of his time, since he thinks you will step in and complete most of the important tasks for him.
How can you help without hovering? Use this summer to test-run taking a back seat in your child’s life. Help your high school graduate start transitioning to adulthood in these 3 areas.
Reminders
Your reminders are well-meaning. You are trying to prevent pitfalls, mistakes, and stress. Your child, however, may not view your reminders the same way. By providing frequent reminders in his day-to-day life, you may actually cause more tension in the parent-child relationship.
So how can you help without hovering when it comes to reminders? As a general rule, you may want to refrain from giving more than two reminders in total: one in advance and one close to the event. Excessive reminders may come across as controlling to your child. He is not likely to respond well to more restraints on his freedom at this point.
In some instances, you may be better not to provide any reminders. In these situations, reminders from you may come across as condescending or annoying to your child. Repeated events or requirements should not require a reminder from you each time they happen. For example, your child has a work shift tomorrow but has no clean uniforms. Instead of repeatedly reminding him to wash his clothes, you may do better to refrain from saying anything. He knows that washing his clothes is his responsibility and making the mistake of forgetting once will likely cause him to be more careful in the future.
By providing reminders for things for which your child should readily take responsibility, you can actually hurt your graduate’s transition to adulthood. You will not be at college to provide the little reminders for things your child should already know he needs to do—like washing his clothes.
In other instances, you need to provide reminders. In areas where your child has very little to no experience, a thoughtful reminder from you can help him to prepare. Without your reminder, he may have weighty long-term consequences (e.g., an expensive fine). For example, FAFSA forms must be completed yearly, as every college parent knows. However, your new college student is probably slightly clueless about this requirement for those seeking financial aid. Informing him of the due date and providing a reminder when this date gets closer will help him qualify for funding he may need.
Helping him learn the sometimes new and different rules and expectations of adulthood will prevent irrecoverable consequences. Your child does not know yet that these situations require his immediate attention. These kinds of reminders can help him learn the ropes of adulthood.
Checking-in
You like to check-in with your freshman occasionally through a text, a phone call, or a face-to-face conversation. You want to make sure your child is safe, well, etc. However, your freshman may not view these messages or chats as thoughtful. Instead, he may view them as excessive.
So how can you help without hovering when it comes to checking-in? First, refuse to panic when you don’t hear back immediately. When you send a text to your child, you may expect an immediate response. Your child, however, may not have his phone nearby or may not be able to respond the moment he receives the message.
For example, your child took an all-day trip with a friend, but he forgot to tell you when he’ll be back. You send texts and call, but you do not receive any response. What you didn’t know is that your child was hiking somewhere with no cellphone reception. He was fine just unavailable by his phone.
Do not assume the worst has happened. Your chid likely did not get in a car accident, get robbed, or even worse. In reality, your graduate may merely be busy or unavailable. Your panic comes from concern and care, but your freshman may view your panic as overboard and excessive.
For example, your child went on a road trip to an amusement park with friends. Originally he thought he’d be back around 7 pm that evening. When he didn’t arrive, you did not receive a text or a phone call. You feel anxious that something has happened to him. You called repeatedly until he arrived only to find out that his phone had died and he couldn’t tell you that the group went to grab some food before heading home.
Second, communicate what you expect. You and your child will likely be frustrated if your expectations go unspoken, ambiguous, and understood. You will be disappointed your child didn’t meet your expectations, and he will be disappointed that he failed without even knowing what you wanted from him.
For example, your child drove himself to work, but you didn’t hear when he would arrive home again. You don’t know whether or not to leave food out for him when he returns. He didn’t tell you, and you didn’t ask. You both end up frustrated: you, because he didn’t tell you when he’d be back, and he, because you didn’t ask whether or not he would need dinner.
More communication cannot fix every problem, but it can prevent many problems. Be careful that you communicate what kind of communication or behavior you expect from him. Do not assume he will pick up on your desires unless you share them, because he likely won’t.
For example, you wish your high school graduate would take some more initiative around the house or at least keep his room orderly. Unless you specifically shared with him what you desire, he will probably not make keeping his room clean a priority. Additionally, he is unlikely to take more initiative to clean, cook, or care for the lawn without you asking first.
Paying
In all honesty, this area can be one of trickiest to navigate. Your child probably has little money saved, and your finances are somewhat limited as well. How much of your child’s expenses should you continue to pay for or pay for in the future?
This summer, your graduate is likely working most days, preparing for the expenses of college. Even though he is working hard, you know he will likely only accumulate a few thousand dollars in total. Should you expect him to start paying for some of his things this summer?
Three specific bills usually cause the greatest dilemma for parents with newly graduate children. One, the cell phone bill is expenses. Should you expect him to start paying for this expense? Yes and no. Paying for his own bill may cause him to be more conscious about using his phone to communicate with others, rather than just for scrolling through social media. However, you may prefer your child save his hard earned money to contribute to college tuition and room and board expenses.
Two, clothing expenses can quickly accumulate. As your child prepares for college, he likely will need to replace some clothing items and purchase new ones as well. His tastes may be expensive, more expensive than you can afford. Should you expect him to pay for his wardrobe? Again yes and no. If you cannot afford the clothes he desires and he is not willing to settle on cheaper clothing, you may want to give him the option to pay for himself. If you know your child could not afford to buy almost any clothing, you may want to step in and at least some partial assistance.
Three, gasoline is expensive. While you are fine with your child borrowing the car, the expense may be a strain on your budget. Should you require your freshman to cover some of the costs? In my personal opinion, I would say yes. Here’s why: your child needs to start contributing to his own expenses. While he may not be able to pay for gas every time he uses the car, he should be able to assist with filling up the tank occasionally. Every home works differently, so you will have to find what works for your family.
Finding the right balance is incredibly difficult as a parent. Helping without hovering may be even more difficult. Help your freshman adjust to adulthood by giving him more responsibility and ownership of his choices this summer!
