The College Parent’s Guide to an Enjoyable Thanksgiving Break
Finally, you get to see your freshman! Your child has been gone for months. You’ve probably coached him through various scenarios over the phone, but you finally get to see him face to face. You want this Thanksgiving break to be special.
How can you prepare for your freshman’s arrival? Start by preparing yourself mentally. This isn’t the same bright-eyed 18-year-old to whom you tearfully waved goodbye months ago. Your freshman has grown up, and he may struggle to adjust now that he’s back home. Prepare for your freshman’s arrival by clarifying these 4 things.
4 Things to Clarify Before Thanksgiving Break Begins
1. Clarify house rules.
Your college freshman is used to having much freedom and independence. When your child comes home, he may expect that the previous rules don’t apply to him. Your child may operate on the principle “ask forgiveness, not permission.”
Prevent this guessing game for your college freshman by clarifying the rules. Dr. Lee of Monmouth University says that “families get in trouble because they have assumptions, but no conversations.” Don’t assume your child will understand what you expect of him. Clearly explain what rules you expect him to abide by while at home.
One common issue is curfew. Your college freshman may want to go out late at night and not arrive back until early in the morning. Instead of spending hours worrying for your child’s safety, talk to him about coming home by a certain time. Include a request for a call or text if he is running late. But, remember your child is used to little restrictions. Adjusting curfew to a slightly later time will show you’re trying to be reasonable and respect his independence.
Connected with curfew is often the use of family vehicles. With a limited number of vehicles, your college freshman can’t take a car anytime he feels like going out. Communicate at least a day ahead, sharing when the car is available for his use.
Also be sure to communicate if you need him to transport people or run some errands ahead of time. Not being consulted will frustrate your freshman. Not being informed will frustrate him further, because he will consider this as being treated like a kid again.
Another common issue is cleanliness. Communicate what level of cleanliness you expect in your freshman’s room. Your freshman may bring home baskets piled full of dirty laundry and more than one suitcase. Be reasonable with your expectations, considering your freshman will only be home a few days.
Also discuss what cleaning help you want from your child too. If you need help around the house, you certainly can and should ask your freshman to help. But, not communicating this to your child can cause tension issues. Don’t assume your child will see your need for help, and then get frustrated when he doesn’t. Prevent unnecessary conflicts by discussing needed help ahead of time.
2. Clarify family-time expectations.
When your college freshman comes home, his idea of Thanksgiving break may look completely different than yours. You may be imagining hours of board games around the kitchen table and long chats into the evening. In reality, these ideas are probably not on your freshman’s mind.
Your freshman most likely wants much of two things: sleeping and eating homemade food. This is your freshman’s idea of a good Thanksgiving break. Your child may also want to spend time catching up with high school or local college friends. While there is nothing wrong with these things, you may be frustrated by how little you see your freshman.
Be sure inform your freshman of your family holiday plans. Allow some activities to be optional and others required. Providing some options will help your freshman feel independent, and requiring some events will remind him that he’s still part of the family.
Think through a plan for Thanksgiving break before your freshman wakes his first full day back. Your child is used to schedules with required events and free time, so this should be normal for him.
If your family is traveling, be sure that you try to allow your college freshman some personal time to rest and recover from school. If the living quarters will be tight, try to provide a good sleeping situation for him (if possible).
For example, if you are traveling hours away to a grandparent’s home for Thanksgiving festivities, allow your college student to sit in a more comfortable car seat. Let your freshman rest on the way there. You will have plenty of time to talk later.
Try to circumvent awkward questions from relatives if possible. For example, if your son just experienced a painful breakup, privately fill in grandparents. Ask them to avoid questioning your child about it.
Remember the holiday season can be stressful for your freshman too. Being understanding and respectful this time off from college classes will go a long way with your freshman.
3. Clarify your relationship.
Sometimes coming home for break can be awkward for your freshman. Your child may struggle to navigate his relationship with you. What are you to each other now?
In the past you may have been his protector, his advisor, his listening ear, etc. But now, your child may be confused how your relationship works. You will always be his parent, but how will this practically look like?
Your role has changed. You are more of a mentor. You no longer need to handhold him through daily decisions, but you may find that letting go of your college freshman is difficult.
When in doubt, ask questions and listen. Asking questions shows openness. Your child may have developed some wacky views (at least from your perspective they’re crazy). Be patient and realize that this may just be your freshman “testing the waters.” Know which battles are worth fighting.
Your freshman probably needs some encouragement from you. Maybe his grades are suffering. Maybe he’s lonely. Whatever the case, encourage him to keep trying. Don’t let him quit or throw in the towel. Assure your freshman that he can do this.
4. Clarify your freshman’s expectations.
Your freshman expects certain things to happen over break. Be sure you ask him. Some helpful questions include:
What are your plans for break?
Is there anyone you were hoping to catch up with over break?
Do you need to purchase anything over break?
Were you planning on getting any school work done?
Is there anything you’d like to do with me over the break?
These questions are unobtrusive but show you care. They will help your freshman feel like he was missed. Be careful not to project your desires on every moment of his break. Your freshman probably will want to do laundry, catch up with friends, eat and sleep. So, be prepared for all those things to happen.
Ask if you can assist, but do not insist on helping if he wants to handle everything. Helping when not asked may seem pushy and overbearing from your child’s perspective.
Your freshman has grown up. He has experienced some of the freedom of adulthood. Spend this holiday enjoying your freshman being home rather than arguing with your freshman. Recognize this is a new era of his life by clarifying these 4 things.
