Freshman year quickly reveals many things about you: your ability to manage time, your ability to meet new people and adjust to a new environment, your ability to solve your own problems, and more.

You likely already started developing the skills needed for college before arriving at college. But as the first few weeks of college pass, you might start to notice areas where you need to grow. Maybe you need to eat meals on a more consistent basis. Maybe you need to study for tests more in advance. Whatever area it is, you know you need to continue growing.

One important area in which most freshmen need to grow is learning to advocate for yourself. Let’s start with the basics…

What does it mean to advocate for yourself? Simply, this means speaking up for yourself or acting on your own behalf. This can look like raising your hand to ask a question in class or confronting a roommate about treating you poorly.

Why is learning to advocate for yourself so important? As you transition from childhood to adulthood, you need to know when and how to deal with difficult situations and people on your own. Without the help of a parent or a friend, you need to be able to face uncomfortable or confusing circumstances and people.

With these ideas in mind, learning to advocate for yourself is a process that requires time. For the sake of clarity, I’m going to describe this process as different levels, describing how you are moving from having someone (usually a parent) advocate for you to advocating for yourself as an independent entity.

Level 1: Quick to Respond

Let’s start with an example. Jared is angry, very angry. He stayed up all night completing a paper. Even though he put off his paper (forcing him to do an all-nighter), he truly felt like he did a good job and would get at least a B on this paper.

Today he received back a grade that was much lower. He was so angry he wanted to punch a hole in the wall but instead settled for punching the top of his desk. What is wrong with his teacher? Why didn’t he get a better grade? He immediately calls home to his parent and angrily complains.

Although Jared’s feelings are understandable, his immediate reaction shows no attempt to solve this problem for himself. His immediate response is to make a quick judgment call, to place blame on others, and to insist on his own innocence in this situation.

While this situation is entirely fictional, students like Jared fit into this first level of advocating for themselves. Simply put, they haven’t really learned how to solve any part of a problem on their own. They often have an immediate response that looks something like one of the ones listed below:

• Verbally combatting with others: Sometimes this looks like verbally exploding or chewing out a person. Sometimes this looks like mumbling angrily under your breath. However it shows up, it looks like attacking someone else verbally.

• Calling a parent: Rather than taking the time to cool off or settle down, this student immediately calls a parent or parent-figure to complain, vent, etc. (While getting advice from an authority figure you respect is often a good idea, this shouldn’t always be your first reaction if you want to learn to advocate for yourself.)

• Texting a friend: Friends can be great “sounding boards.” They can be good listeners that provide a helpful outsider's perspective. However, this response is not much better than calling a parent, because the immediate reaction is to share information that is colored by strongly negative emotions.

• Posting on social media: Sharing how a teacher treated you or how a roommate interacted with you on your own social media account may feel like a way to let off steam, but it is one of the worst actions you can take. It talks about the person, not to the person. It only provides your perspective, causing others to assume the worst about the person. It does not provide a person the chance to share their point of view. And worst of all, it makes a private matter very public.

Level 2: Hesitant to Respond

Let’s start with another example. Morgan comes into her dorm room only to see her roommate left clothes everywhere. This isn’t the first time this has happened. Not only is the room a complete disaster, but her roommate also seems to have gone through Morgan’s closet and drawers trying on her clothes. Why can’t her roommate just ask permission? Why can’t her roommate see that this action is incredibly rude and intrusive? 

Morgan doesn’t really like confrontation, but she feels upset because her personal space has been violated. She doesn’t want to cause a big scene, but this isn’t the first time her roommate has borrowed things without asking. She is unsure of how to proceed. Maybe she’ll just put off this situation until she feels like dealing with it, which may never happen because (as stated earlier) she hates confrontation.

Morgan’s frustration is completely understandable. This would feel like a violation of her privacy. Her first response, however, isn’t to try to solve the long-term problem, it’s to find an easy and convenient solution that costs Morgan as little as possible. 

While Morgan’s response is much better than Jacob’s response, she still isn’t really intent on solving the problem. Her reaction is less out-of-control. She realizes she needs to be part of the solution, but she isn’t really willing to invest a whole lot of herself into really helping her roommate.

This situation is again fictional, but students like Morgan fit into the second level of advocating for themselves. These students are better at identifying why a situation bothers them. They also are aware that they have some stake in the situation, and they are capable of bringing about a solution. However, they aren’t willing to give much of themselves to solving the problem.

Their response often moves along this timeline, something I’m calling the “5 Stages of Confrontation,” which as far as I know is something I made up (and based on the 5 Stages of Grief concept):

• Denial: They deny the problem exists. Sometimes they do this by questioning if what they saw is true or by distracting themselves with busy activity.

• Anger: They feel angry. Realizing what they saw actually happened, they feel angry they’re having to deal with this situation or that this person is someone with which they have to interact.

• Bargaining: They bargain with themselves or others. They concede or give up ground. They may even pretend like nothing happened or pretend they are fine with giving into the other person’s behavior.

• Depression: They become depressed. This isn’t really referring to clinical depression. This is referring to feeling despair. They feel like throwing in the towel. Why even try? It’s hopeless. That person or situation will never change.

• Acceptance: They accept that they can be part of the solution. They finally realize they need to act. Change likely will not happen if they do nothing.

Some move through these 5 stages quicker than others. Some start in the middle and move to the end. Some go back and forth between stages, but all students who are at this second level of advocating for themselves end up accepting they need to be part of the solution.

Level 3: Slow to Respond

Let’s start with one last example. Derek’s instructor asks to meet him during an office hour. Derek is slightly bewildered as to why his college instructor wants to talk to him in-person. He decides not to jump to conclusions and confirms he can come to this meeting.

In this meeting, the instructor confronts Derek about his know-it-all attitude during a recent class period which made other classmates very uncomfortable. Derek is stunned. He had no idea he came across that way, so he asks the instructor questions to clarify the situation.

As the instructor shares example after example, Derek starts to see what the instructor is saying. Rather than acting or speaking defensively, he asks the instructor for advice so that he can improve. The instructor willingly provides a few suggestions. Derek leaves that meeting feeling more relief than frustration, because he feels like he learned something important about himself.

This situation is fictional, but as a college instructor I can tell you this rarely occurs. If an instructor confronted a student about coming across as arrogant and cold, most students' immediate response would look a lot different (and not in a good way).

Students who fit into this third level of advocating for themselves take complete ownership of their decisions and ownership of the solution too. They are characterized by the following actions:

• Refuse to make assumptions or judgment calls: Rather than assuming the worst or jumping to conclusions, they let people speak for themselves and let events play out. They are slow to assume people’s intentions or motives. They try to believe the best in others.

• Work to see from another’s perspective: They are aware they are biased, so they work to see what another person might be seeing. They do this by asking questions and paraphrasing what others say to ensure they understand. Their goal is to get understanding, not to prove a point.

• Listen to learn: When others talk, they engage their mind. They refuse to get distracted or tune others out. Their desire is to gain understanding.

• Desire to improve future interactions and actions: They are fully aware that they have room to grow and their desire is to grow. They refuse to let pride or ego get in the way of growing as a person.

What level are you at? Think about the last uncomfortable, stressful, or awkward situation that happened to you. How did you respond? Into which level did your actions fit?

If you want to be a successful college student, if you want to grow as a person, if you want to become a self-sufficient adult—learn to advocate for yourself. Sharing your day with others (the ups and the downs) is important. Getting advice from wise adults you trust is important. But, at the end of the day, you are the one who has to make the decision and live with its consequences, so learn to get good at advocating for yourself.