How to Confront Your College Roommate
What conversations are difficult for you to have with your college roommate? The average freshman dreads confronting a roommate over minor things that are majorly annoying. You may be afraid of ruining your living situation, but you cringe every time your roommate does that one annoying thing. You wish your roommate could just use some common sense or at least be aware that his or her behavior is inconsiderate.
In reality, your roommate may have no idea how annoying his or her behavior has become, and your silence is actually causing yourself more problems. Learn how to identify the problem and initiate this tough conversation with your roommate.
Identifying Your Roommate’s Annoying Behavior
Even with a few weeks left in the semester, you can have a healthy conversation with your roommate about his or her bad habits, friends, cleanliness, and your boundaries.
Have tough conversations about your roommate’s bad habits. What habits first might have been endearing or funny are now frustrating. You can hardly stand how annoying your roommate’s behavior is on a daily basis. On the other hand, you’re afraid to say something.
For example, your roommate never seems to be able to wake up to his or her alarm clock. You used to think that his or her inability to get up was hilarious, but now you’re annoyed. You wish your roommate would get out of bed after the first time the alarm sounded. Even when your roommate does wake, he or she clumsily gets ready, knocking over things in the bathroom, playing music aloud, and slamming the door.
Maybe your roommate’s habit of watching shows with the volume loudly blasting annoyed you before, but now you cannot stand it. You want to go to bed early or study for your classes.
Your roommate’s annoying habits drive you crazy. You cannot ignore them anymore. You are struggling to keep yourself from exploding. What should you do the next time your roommate leaves his or her dirty dishes in the sink for the entire week?
Have tough conversations about your roommate’s friends. While you sometimes enjoy your roommate’s friends coming over, there are times that you wish that they would not visit. Your dorm room is just as much yours as it is your roommate’s, but he or she often forgets to think about your schedule.
For example, your roommate’s friends visit your dorm room at least two or three nights a week to do homework. Very little actual studying happens. Instead your roommate and his or her friends loudly talk, play music, and goof-off. After your long day of classes and work, you wish you could go back to your dorm room and rest, but your roommate and his or her friends are entirely too loud for this to happen.
Maybe your roommate’s friends try to get him or her to go running with them in the morning. They loudly enter your dorm room, wake up your roommate, and talk incessantly until they leave. You want to sleep in, but their loudness makes sleeping an impossibility.
You wish your roommate would ask before inviting his or her friends over. You also wish your roommate would not bring that one especially annoying friend around. How can you say something without sounding demanding or unreasonable?
Have tough conversations about your roommate’s cleanliness. This conversation can truly be one of the more awkward ones, especially if your roommate is unaware of his or her poor hygiene. While you may be tempted to dump this conversation on your RA, remember that your roommate may better receive feedback from a peer.
For example, your roommate rarely cleans. Honestly, you smelled the dirtiness long before you saw it. You wish your roommate’s parents had taught him or her better. You may have even tried to switch dorm rooms but with no success.
Maybe your roommate leaves toothpaste, shaving cream, and hair all over the bathroom sink. You’re tired of being the only one to clean the bathroom. You’ve tried to drop hints, but your roommate still hardly ever picks up after himself or herself.
You don’t want to act like you’re in charge or the parent of the room, but you are tired of the mess. You thought taking out the trash would be a common sense thing too, but apparently it’s not. What is a nice way to bring up your roommate’s mess?
Have tough conversations about your boundaries. Depending on what kind of a person you are, this may be an important topic. If you grew up in a family where everybody shared everything, you probably don’t mind your roommate using your things. However, if you grew up in a family where no one shared anything, you probably hate when your roommate uses your things without asking.
For example, your roommate constantly borrows your coffee mug without asking. Even worse, he or she never cleans it. You do not mind the borrowing part as much as the not-cleaning-it part. You’ve tried to say how much you dislike this bad habit using humor or a passive aggressive comment, but your roommate still doesn’t understand.
You’re not sure how to communicate your frustrations without exploding. You are incredibly annoyed with how inconsiderate your roommate is of your boundaries. Is it worthwhile to have a conversation this late in the semester?
Initiating a Tough Conversation With Your Roommate
If any of these four areas continue to frustrate you, you need to initiate a conversation with your roommate. You need to speak up and share your frustrations with your roommate’s bad habits, friends, cleanliness, or lack of respect for your boundaries.
My guess is that you knew you needed to initiate a conversation, but you don’t know how to go about having this chat. While there isn’t a one-size-fits-all formula with a 100% success rate, there are three steps you can take to plan for a successful conversation.
First, schedule a time to meet with your roommate one-on-one. By setting a time to talk, you are completing two important tasks: giving yourself a deadline and ensuring your roommate is available to talk. Both parts are critical for having a tough conversation.
Meeting one-on-one is an important part of this first step. In my semesters as a resident assistant, I repeatedly saw how small roommate issues turned into dramatic ordeals. Avoid unnecessary drama by keeping room issues in your room. The more people involved, often the bigger the problem becomes. Try to deal with the problem without the involvement of friends or neighboring dorm rooms.
Second, plan what you will say to your roommate. With the scheduled deadline quickly approaching, you need to plan your words with care. Just like winging presentations usually leads to poor results, winging tough conversations usually leads to painfully awkward results.
Keeping your mindset in a good place will help you craft a kind but honest message. Remember that your goal isn’t to put down, embarrass, or shame your roommate. Initiating this conversation is truly a way to show you care for your roommate. You care so much that you are willing to engage in a potentially awkward conversation with him or her. You want to help your roommate grow as a person, and that is why you are willing to share this message.
Planning your words carefully will help you avoid some painful pitfalls. Having a superior attitude will only make your roommate block you out or resent you. Using the phrases “you never” or “you always” will not lead to a positive response. These critical words only fuel an attack from your roommate.
In general avoid using “you” language, because it makes you look defensive and accusatory. Instead, use “I” language (e.g. “I have . . . ”). Then describe whatever undesired behavior your roommate is doing habitually (e.g. “I noticed . . . “). Next specifically describe and ask for the kind of behavior change you would like to see (e.g. “Could you . . . ”).
Let me provide an example of this process:
Use “I” language: “I do not have class until 9 on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.”
Describe your roommate’s behavior: “On these days, I can hear your friends knocking on the door, talking in our dorm room, and slamming the door on their way out.”
Ask for a behavior change: “Could you ask your friends to text you and wait outside until you are ready to leave?”
Third, have the conversation. Don’t allow yourself to chicken-out. Tell one of your parents you are going to have this conversation. Ask them to call you later on in the day to keep you accountable.
After you have confronted your roommate, give your roommate a chance to respond. Truly listen to his or her response, and allow your roommate to ask questions. Paraphrase his or her comments to ensure you are truly understanding your roommate, and use follow-up questions to clarify any confusing points.
Having tough conversations with your roommate can be incredibly awkward but entirely worth the struggle. Even if your roommate does not respond well to your comments, you did your part to resolve your dorm room issues. You are not responsible for your roommate’s response but you are responsible for your words, attitude, and actions.
Nothing ventured, nothing gained. If the issue is important enough to you, take the initiative to start the conversation. You can courageously confront your roommate’s frustrating behaviors, and you may be surprised just how well your conversation goes!
