New School Year, Same Me
An accurate title for my college biography may be “Too School for Cool.” Truly I have never been in the cool crowd, but there were certainly times where I considered changing myself to switch crowds. Many experience these feelings at the start of college.
College freshmen often feel like they have to reinvent themselves. In new surroundings, you may feel the need to adapt your personality or identity to be more likable or accepted. This urge is completely normal.
The new experience of college is an opportunity to start over, to start fresh. No longer are you trapped by the mistakes or choices of your past. You have the opportunity to be who you’ve always wanted to be. Finally.
This post is intentionally not titled “How to Reinvent Yourself Before College,” “New School Year, New Me,” or “Stop Trying to Reinvent Yourself.” The title simply states your reality: while this is a new place, a new year, and a new school, you are still you. As much as you may want to change who you are, you know deep down that you remain you.
So how can you face this dilemma between who you were and who you want to be? Consider these cautions and considerations.
Cautions
Watch out, because these will be the extremes you may want to adopt or see others adopt. Beware of these urges that often lead to regret and awkwardness later. Don’t sacrifice your reputation for one night of fame or acceptance.
Don’t brand yourself as a “type.”
“Desperate times call for desperate measures,” your inner voice may consciously or unconsciously tell yourself. As loneliness sets in, you may become more and more desperate to make connections and build relationships with your peers. You may do just about anything for laughs, eye rolls, or attention of any kind. Don’t. Being “the funny guy” or “the sweet girl” may initially satisfy your desire for connecting with people, but you will feel trapped in this false identity if it is not who you truly are.
Author and parent Elisabeth Egan advises, “resist the urge to ‘brand’ yourself, which is so much less rewarding than establishing a meaningful, nuanced identity.” You are a multi-faceted human being. In other words, you are allowed to be many different things. You can be funny, kind, athletic, and smart. You don’t have to choose a type. You can be diverse in interests and personality quirks without feeling the need to define your identity by a type.
I am a person riddled with opposites. I love laughing with friends about shows no one else finds funny, but I also love discussing nerdy topics in depth. I love listening to summer songs with the windows rolled down and a smile covering my face, but I also love watching sobering films about WWII. These extreme opposites can be difficult to reconcile and difficult for others to accept, however I am not truly happy unless I allow myself to be myself. And sometimes my self doesn’t fit to a type.
Don’t try to push your personality on others.
Wanting people to like you and forcing people to like you are different things. If you’ve always been labeled as having a “big personality,” this may be your struggle. In an effort to make friends, you may be yourself 200% around others. While initially this may get you the attention you want, this behavior usually comes with some serious downsides.
Rather than establishing connections you can build on later, this behavior often causes others to put you in a box. Breaking free of the labels others may place on you will be difficult and take time. Making crazy fashion choices, acting out-of-control at parties, and loudly talking over others will earn you a reputation and not one you necessarily want.
While you should be yourself, being an extreme version of yourself will earn you a negative title. I remember freshman peers who tried so hard to be ones known for being in charge or leading others that they came across as know-it-alls, obnoxious, and simply people who tried too hard. During freshman year, this kind of behavior was only slightly annoying but as they advanced in their college years this reputation never left. As a result, many students had a distaste for these types of students.
Don’t forget who you truly are.
To a certain extent, you will always be you. You may change aspects of your personality, your clothes, your friends or friend groups, your skills, or your interests. But deep down you will always be you. Changing who you fundamentally are is difficult and almost impossible.
Your past, your family, your cultural background, etc. will always be a part of who you are. These things have shaped who you are today. If your past is filled with regrets and mistakes, you can change your behavior based on what you know now. If your family is a mess, you can carefully choose who you want to be your partner in the future. You can determine to let your past control you or help you plan for and work toward a better future.
Now is the time to form good habits that will help you transform into the person you aspire to be. Procrastination only delays you from being who you know you can be. Make choices now to address the mistakes of your past and move forward to the person you can be.
Considerations
“Change comes in quirky ways, and often without permission,” shares Meera Navlakha a student at Durham University in an article for the New York Times. She continues, “we are shaped by the new spaces we inhabit, whether we plan on changing or not.” Whether you realize it or not yet, next time you go home you will not be exactly the same (which, by the way, is part of the reason why your mom and/or dad are so emotional). You will still be you but a different you.
Part of the reason for this is that your lifestyle and environment drastically change. Meera explains that “everything [you] do on a day-to-day basis has changed . . . [you’re] adapting to [your] environment and confronting parts of [your]self [you] didn’t realize were there.” During all of these changes, you will be tempted to reinvent yourself in every way possible. Before you transform to the exact opposite of you, consider these recommendations.
People will like you or they won’t.
This fact can transform your perspective. While you can control or change yourself, you have 0% control over others. You cannot truly make people like you. They have to choose to like you for themselves. No matter how much you change about yourself, you are still you.
This may feel like a downer, leaving you hopeless, but this fact is actually incredibly freeing. You should simply be yourself. This might seem cliche or like something a mom might say, but it’s true: people like you best when you are yourself. Being comfortable with who you are (even though you’re still becoming who you want to be) is one of the best ways to make meaningful relationships.
Determine who you want to become.
Before you change who you are, plan who you want to become. Transforming yourself takes work, lots of work. So before you begin this process think carefully about who you want to be one day.
Write down where you want to be by the end of your college years and be specific. Do you want to be graduated? Do you want to be hired at a specific type of company? Do you want to be in a healthy romantic relationship? This process may sound ridiculous, but like any other area of life vague goals do not produce results.
By the way, it’s fine if you don’t know the answers to all of the questions right now. I wrote an entire post about having an identity crisis during freshman year. Click here to read!
After writing down these goals, determine what you need to get from where you are to where you want to be. Likely this will include disciplining yourself and forming new habits, but don’t forget one of the most important parts of achieving goals—surrounding yourself with good influences.
Choosing friends and intentionally spending time with people who are like what you want to be are key to transforming into your goals. If you spend most of your time with people who are already like you, you will likely remain who you are now. Changing yourself requires changing with whom you spend most of your time.
Accept your past.
You may feel the need to make excuses or give explanations for your past: “I came to college here because . . . ” or “my parents didn’t like me to . . . so that’s why . . . ” You actually don’t have to explain anything to anyone. Even though you are making constant judgments about others, you will probably find that others are not making as many judgments about you.
The truth is you cannot change anything about your past, so you should not distress yourself about unchangeable facts and circumstances. The sooner you accept your past, the sooner you will free yourself to be in the present and look to the future.
Be patient with yourself.
You are experiencing A LOT of change right now. You are living in a new place, on your own, at a new school, surrounded by new people, and with new responsibilities and pressures. Your temptation might be to set high expectations for yourself, like earning all As or making multiple new best friends. These expectations are unrealistic and will only add to the stress you already feel.
Be kind to yourself. I don’t mean have low to no standards or goals, but I do mean talk nicely to yourself about yourself. Instead of barraging yourself in insults, accept that this transition will be difficult and will not come without occasional mistakes or failures.
I wrote an entire post about self-talk and lies freshmen often tell themselves. Click here to read this post!
You are still you. You don’t need to reinvent yourself, you need to focus on being yourself. Sometimes this means looking to the future: who you want to be. Sometimes this means accepting the past: accepting who you are now as a result of your background and experiences. Your circumstances and experiences may change but that doesn’t mean you need a new personality to go with them.
