A College Parent Identity Crisis: Who Am I Now?
“Somehow, when I wasn’t paying attention,” shares empty-nester Stefanie Levine Cohen in an article for Grown and Flown, “I allowed my identity to transition from a strong, independent, curious, motivated, hardworking individual who looked to her future with bright eyes and open arms, to ‘Mom.’”
There is nothing wrong with owning the title of “Mom” or “Dad.” However, you are much more than that one title. Once your child is settled in college, you may feel a sense of loss. You know this goodbye to your child is also a goodbye to how things used to be.
You may feel that you are experiencing an identity crisis of sorts. You know who you were before kids, who you’ve been with kids, but with your child at college you struggle knowing who you are now. You may feel as if you are caught in a no-man’s land. How can you transition into this new stage of parenting while grappling with your own identity? Consider these suggestions.
Recognize your contributions.
In the past, you have been so intricately involved in your freshman’s life. You’ve been there for every game, every breakup, every audition, and every performance. Whether or not you were “perfect,” you did your best.
You have made many contributions to make your family a success. Every day you make countless sacrifices to make your family function. You wake up early to take kids to school, you clean dishes you never used, and you pay the bills no one knows about—you do what you have to do day after day.
No report card, award, or trophy awaits you. Day-in and day-out, you work tirelessly to help your family be a success. You selflessly make small and big decisions that make others successful, knowing you will not receive credit or praise.
You have made many contributions to make your freshman a success. These last few years you’ve spent hours helping with college applications, talking about future careers, planning trips to college campuses, and talking about finances.
This college selection and application process has been trying and (at times) demoralizing for you too. You hate to see your child face rejection, failure, or financial limitations. You want him to find the right school where he can thrive.
This summer you’ve helped him prepare for college, sacrificing countless hours. Trips to the doctor, summer orientation, and stores filled your evenings and weekends. You are glad this process is done, but you already miss having your child around the house.
Whatever doubts you feel or regrets you have, know that the past is the past. You did the best you could with what you had. Don’t allow guilt you feel to keep you from looking to the future!
Invest in yourself.
Throughout your freshman’s growing up years, you consistently made sacrifices. You used vacation days to stay home and care for him when he was little. You delayed your own appointments, so that your child could interview at a fast-food restaurant. You rescheduled meetings, so that your child could see you cheering him on in the stands.
You are and will still be involved in your freshman’s life, but your level of involvement will most likely look different. Your time commitment will drastically change, and your future may seem murky at best. College parent Katie Collins describes her feelings: “As I watched my daughter on the cusp of starting her true adult life, so much in front of her, I didn’t know what was next for me.” She continues, “It seemed scary to even try to envision where my life would lead.”
Now is the time and the opportunity to invest in yourself in two specific ways:
Invest in your physical and mental health. Working and parenting take up most if not all of a typical parent’s day, so many parents struggle to make time for exercise and processing their own days. You may feel selfish taking time for yourself. Don’t. You need to make you a priority, and now you have more time to do so.
Invest your relationships. If you have more than one child, use some of your newly freed-up time to invest in other children. With the busyness of getting your one child ready for college, your other kid(s) may feel left out or overlooked. If you have a partner, use some of your time to invest in your significant other. Your relationship may be stressed as a result of all of the college preparations. If you have adult friends, community groups, or church groups, use your time to reconnect and invest in those relationships.
You cannot help others if you neglect to care of yourself. Just like the instructions on before flying on an airplane, you must put on your own oxygen mask first. Take some time to invest in yourself!
Find an outlet to help others.
If you are now an empty-nester, this transition may be incredibly difficult. (Even if you’re not an empty-nester, this transition may be incredibly difficult.) Not having an outlet to help others or meet others needs may leave you feeling slightly purposeless and lost. Learn how you can invest this newly available time to help others!
In the first few weeks, you will probably need to recover from the stress of moving your child into the dorms and struggle of saying goodbye. As the dust settles and life gets back to normal, you may start feeling restless, having an itch to help others but not know exactly how to scratch that itch.
Here are a few suggestions as you seek to find ways to help others:
Consider volunteering. There may be organizations, causes, and nonprofits you feel particularly passionate about, but in the past you were entirely too busy to help. You can use your newly available time to invest in this area.
Consider serving on a community board. If you find yourself passionate about education, the arts, or another area, use your time to make an impact and a difference in your community. As time goes on, you may have the ability and influence to make important decisions.
There may not seem to be enough time ahead of you to invest in the ways you would like to the extent that you would like. The unknown is scary, even for college parents, but it doesn’t have to keep you from continued growth. You are still you, and you can still do wonderful things in the years ahead!
