Pause Before Answering Your Freshman's Phone Calls
Some parents have problems getting their college freshman to call home. But some college freshman actually call every day, multiple times. This may be a college parent’s dream come true, but being constantly available can sometimes be a bad thing.
Sending your freshman’s calls to voicemail seems unfeeling and cruel. Your child may be frustrated with you for not answering. However, answering every call can actually inhibit your college freshman in these 4 ways.
4 Ways Answering Every Call Inhibits Your Freshman
1. Answering every call creates dependence.
Most likely this is the first time your child has lived away from home for an extended period of time. While your child may struggle to figure out everyday tasks like laundry, your freshman may not even try to figure out these tasks before calling you. In other words, the default is to call you first.
Calling you first is easier and less frustrating. It eliminates effort, time and the possibility of failure. It seems like the logical thing to do, but is it the healthy thing to do? Does this constant calling really just delay adulthood?
Your child needs to establish himself as an independent person. This includes forming new relationships, practicing good sleeping habits, using time management techniques, etc. All of these skills help equip your child for adulthood.
For example, your freshman’s future employer assigns your child a project. Your child has no idea how to complete an important part of the project. Instead of figuring out the work for himself, he phones a friend—you. This would be absurd! After all he’s a fully grown adult, and he should not be calling you to help him out.
Don’t feel guilty about forwarding your freshman’s call to voicemail. You don’t want him to continue being dependent on you like he was in high school. This behavior doesn’t help him develop adult skills.
Help your child make decisions without consulting you. Send some of the calls to voicemail. Your child needs to start thinking independently.
2. Answering every call hinders problem-solving skills.
When faced with a problem, what is your freshman’s first response? Some freshman are go-getters, achievers and independent thinkers who struggle to call home at all. But other freshman have absolutely no clue what to do in situations like these:
If a classmate constantly mooches off your freshman’s notes, your freshman may struggle to say no sometimes.
When another student shows romantic interest in your freshman but the feelings aren’t mutual, your child may have difficulty knowing how to respond.
If a teacher’s grading requirements are confusing and unclear, your child may have no idea how to approach the teacher.
When your freshman goes to a party that happens to include alcohol, he may not be sure how to react.
All of these everyday problems are overwhelming to a new college student who has rarely had to solve problems before. While you can help your child think through the problem-solving process, at some point you need to step back and let your freshman figure it out. This process is uncomfortable and awkward for your freshman. But, your child needs to get comfortable with being uncomfortable, because this is often the only way he will learn.
This process also requires some “trial and error,” which can be hard for a parent to watch. Let your freshman fall on his face a few times and fail. This will help your freshman learn. Don’t wait until after college to let go! By then it is too late.
Help your child segue into adulthood feeling confident in his ability to face and solve problems without the help of a parent.
3. Answering every call continues decision-paralysis.
What is “decision-paralysis”? Decision-paralysis occurs when someone faced with a problem freezes under the pressure. This person feels immobile and powerless when faced with even the smallest of decisions.
Your freshman can easily become paralyzed when faced with decisions like these:
Should I stay up late and study?
Which test do I study for first?
Should I go to that party with my friend?
Should I take a nap?
When is exercising more important than sleeping?
While these are easy decisions for you to solve, your child needs to make these decisions on his own. If you continue to make decisions for your freshman, you will one day find him frozen, unable to make an important decision. His immediate response may be to call home, but don’t let this dependent behavior continue. It will hurt your freshman in the future.
Next time your child calls, consider sending it to voicemail. If you do answer or call back, refrain from giving advice even if he repeatedly asks. Instead of giving examples from your own life experiences, ask questions. Keep asking questions, and don’t make the final call. Let your child make the choice, because he’s the one who has to live with the consequences—big or small.
4. Answering every call inhibits confidence-building.
Your freshman may struggle with feeling secure in who he is. Your child may still lack social or academic confidence. Being away from home has been difficult for your child even on the best of days.
You want your freshman to feel confident and secure in his identity and abilities. But, your child won’t do this if he doesn’t feel like he can solve problems and make decisions on his own.
As a parent, you may want to eliminate pain, hurt and difficulties for your child. Doing this, however, communicates to your freshman that he is not capable of solving his own problems. Your child may feel that his actions and choices are always lacking or imperfect, so why even try to do it on his own. Sadly this can lead to anxiety issues as well, especially when he is faced with a challenge.
For example, your freshman is given a writing assignment. He has to choose a relevant but controversial topic and write a 3-page persuasive argument for or against it. Your child may feel so insecure about his instincts that he repeatedly puts off choosing a topic. The night before the due date he calls you in a panic. He can’t seem to pick any topic, even though he’s thought about it for weeks. Now he is on the verge of completely giving up and turning nothing in.
Help your child grow in confidence by letting him make mistakes. Give your child freedom to make dumb or expensive decisions, because this may be the only way your freshman will learn.
Sometimes as a parent no news is good news. But if your freshman is still struggling on a daily basis, be willing to step aside at times and be less available. Help your freshman without overpowering him by sending some of his calls to voicemail.
