“My mom wrote a sternly worded letter to the teacher and let him have it,” one college student bragged to another. As I sat in a coffee shop working on a post for this blog, I overheard an exchange between two college students on spring break. I couldn’t help but feel embarrassed for this student, who should have felt embarrassed for himself.

The brief conversation I overheard revealed that instead of learning from this event this student was crippled by this experience. He didn’t learn how to speak up for himself or take ownership of his behavior. He passed the buck to his mother.

As a college parent, there are many opportunities either to aid or to cripple your college freshman. Because most experiences are new to your child, you can easily end up solving her problems, resolving her dilemmas, or intervening on her behalf when you probably need to take a step back.

Learn how to avoid these 3 bad habits that cripple your college freshman!

Crippling Habit #1: Solving your freshman’s problems

“Mom,” your freshman desperately blurts, “what should I do?” Your child is faced with yet another seemingly unsolvable problem. You may find that you genuinely enjoy helping your freshman solve her problems or that solving these problems for her is easier and more convenient. But is solving your freshman’s problems actually crippling her in the long run?

Your freshman likely has some desire to solve her own problems, even if she constantly asks for your help. However, when faced with a problem, your child may freeze—being caught in the quicksand of decision-paralysis. 

In an article for Forbes Magazine, David Sturt and Todd Nordstrom point to empowerment as a key to overcoming struggles with decision-paralysis. Your child may simply need to hear that you believe in her, that you think she is capable of solving her own problems. 

Faced with self doubt and inexperience in solving her own problems, she is likely to question her own ability to find a solution. Empower her to solve her own problems by communicating that you trust her. There is often more than one “right” solution, and you trust her to find the solution that works for her.

If you continue to solve your freshman’s problems, she may conclude that she doesn’t need to be engaged in college life or academics. If mom or dad will step in and solve her problems regardless of her actions, why would she engage in making decisions or solving problems?

Crippling Habit #2: Resolving your freshman’s dilemmas

Near panic, your freshman may call you sharing a difficult dilemma. This situation isn’t necessarily a problem but a tricky choice. Choosing between two undesirable options, your freshman calls her lifeline—you.

Your child doesn’t want to study for her test or write her paper, but she must choose which one to prioritize. Instead of choosing for herself, she may call or message you. She may want to avoid having to be the “bad guy” to herself, or she may genuinely feel incapable of making this decision.

Rather than giving her an out, encourage her to make her choice for herself. She is the one who will live the consequences, so needs to make the choice for herself.

Your child may face ethical dilemmas. Cheating would be so much easier. Copying her classmates answer wouldn’t be that difficult. Getting test answers from someone in an earlier section would be simple. Faced with not having time to study, she’s struggling to take the high road.

Although the typical freshman wouldn’t be likely to call and ask if she should plagiarize or cheat, do your best to encourage her to make the most of her learning experience. Working hard, struggling, and even failing are all parts of the journey of learning.

Your child may face relationship dilemmas. A boyfriend asks your freshman to send inappropriate photos, a friend acts manipulative, or a roommate borrows items without asking—each one of these dilemmas will likely face your freshman. If your freshman does share these situations with you, be a listening ear and a guide. Let her know that she is not alone but she is capable of making these decisions for herself.

Crippling Habit #3: Intervening on your freshman’s behalf

Your freshman is young and more naive than she probably realizes. You want her to be treated fairly at college. You have concerns about bullying, heavy-handed teachers, and other situations in which your freshman may be vulnerable.

There are certain situations in which you should step in and offer help, but consider pausing before intervening in the following types of situations:

• Your freshman is earning lower grades than you think she deserves. In college, your freshman is expected to take initiative if she wants to improve her grades. Her professors will likely not reach out to her to offer assistance. At this point, she is the one who needs to take ownership of her grades.

• Your freshman’s roommate is difficult. Living with people comes with challenges like cleanliness, noise, and more. Your freshman is learning how to confront her roommate, how to speak up for herself, and how to be a good roommate. She needs to learn these skills, so encourage her to take responsible actions and talk early and often to her frustrating, noisy, or dirty roommate.

• Your freshman is struggling to make friends. Believe it or not your freshman is normal in feeling lonely or homesick. Unless your child struggles with severe depression, eating disorders, or other forms of self harm, do your best to refrain from making calls to student care on a consistent basis. As a young adult, your child needs to learn how to make friends on her own. She may beg you to visit or beg to come home, but this struggle is a healthy growing time for her. 

When parents consider the best options for their children they often ask, “what am I willing to do to help my child succeed?” However, the better question is “what am I not willing to do to help my child succeed?”

Restraining from solving her problems, resolving her dilemmas, intervening on her behalf, and paying for her bills can cause you inconvenience and anxiety. Ultimately, the choice to refrain from taking action aids your freshman on the road to becoming an independent and competent adult.