Let Your Freshman Fight His Own Battles

Her teacher is being unfair. She worked ahead on her term paper, spent hours revising it and had an upperclassman proofread the paper. But her teacher gave her a C with little explanation. She’s never gotten a C on any school work. You want to give her teacher a piece of your mind.

As the parent, you know what your college freshman is capable of. Your child is smart, talented, funny, kind and more. Your first reaction may be to call the school and talk directly to the teacher. But I would encourage you to stop and consider: what do your actions teach your child? Before jumping in and arguing on your freshman’s behalf, contemplate these 3 realities.

1. Your college freshman is an adult.

Don’t get me wrong. Your freshman is a young adult but an adult nonetheless. By jumping in and fixing the problem, you are communicating that mom and/or dad will always be there to fix problems. This thinking is not helpful if your goal is to develop a responsible adult.

You know that in the working world your child will need to receive harsh criticism, get up after failing and cope with disappointment. By managing every issue in your child’s college life, you are not equipping your child to handle adult life successfully.

Everyday adult life doesn’t provide safe spaces. Just because your coworker is racist doesn’t mean you can stop going to work. You have to learn to deal with coworkers who you can’t stand, bosses who are unfair and work projects that are too demanding. This is adulthood.

2. Your college freshman is learning.

A roommate conflict teaches important conflict management skills. A disappointing grade teaches attention to detail. A lack of proper sleep teaches work-life balance. All of these are necessary skills for adulthood.

When wronged by others, your child’s response may be immature. But making immature choices—like ranting on social media—is part of the process. Your college freshman is learning how to and how not to deal with being wronged.

Problems or conflicts provide an opportunity for you to help your child professionally address authorities and peers. The next time your child calls with a problem, try this process:

• Listen to your child’s side of the story.

• Rephrase the account to be sure you understand it—e.g. “Let me make sure I understand you . . .”

• Express understanding—e.g. “That must be frustrating!”

• Ask questions before assuming guilt. You may find that more details emerge shedding light on the situation.  

• Encourage your child to take time to cool off before directly addressing the other person. Time and sleep provide clearer perspectives in tense situations.

3. Your college freshman is independent.

Instead of choosing a side in the situation, ask your freshman how the situation could be handled better next time. If a test grade was disappointing, ask how to prepare better for the next test. Your child knows what to do but may need help thinking through the process. If your child doesn’t know what to do, ask questions. Who does your child know that can help? Has your child contacted the teacher? How much time is your child spending studying for each test?

Let your child be his own hero. This can be difficult as a parent. You may have heavily invested in your child’s past academic successes. But college is a new era for your freshman. Your child needs to take ownership.

Learning to let go is difficult. You want your child to grow into adulthood. But your child won’t be able to do this if you don’t allow him to develop adult skills. Recognize this new era in your child’s life. Let your child learn (and make mistakes). Allow your child to be independent. You will find your college freshman can successfully fight his own battles.