4 Golden Rules for Living With College Roommates
You want to continue getting along with your roommate, but somehow issues continue to pop up unexpectedly. How can you live with him until the end of the semester?
Even after living with your roommate for an entire semester, conflict or tension will still occur. The reality is that no roommate is perfect, and everyone has personal quirks. Adjusting to living with your roommate again may be more difficult than you thought.
So, how can you continue to get along? Follow these four golden rules!
The 4 Golden Rules for Living with College Roommates
1. Ask first.
At this point, you’ve become comfortable living with your roommate and probably feel like you know his likes and dislikes. While you may be tempted to make assumptions based on what you know, stop and consider before acting.
As a general rule, if you have any doubt, ask first. Don’t make any assumptions about your roommates preferences. Even if he didn’t say anything to you the last time when you borrowed his stuff that doesn’t mean he’s ok with you borrowing it again.
“Ask forgiveness, not permission” is not a good motto for someone who wants to get along with his roommate. When living with someone else, ask permission first. Remember you live with this person. If you want your living situation to be pleasant, you need to be considerate of your roommate’s privacy and preferences.
These specific areas cause tension if you fail to ask permission first:
Food: How ridiculous, right? Wrong. Don’t eat your roommate’s food if you didn’t ask permission first. This can be very frustrating to a roommate who didn’t have time to grab dinner and wanted to eat the last bowl of cereal. Even if you’ve eaten his food before, don’t do so again without specifically asking. You will avoid making this seemingly tiny issue bigger than necessary.
Dishes: Related to the topic of food is your roommate’s dishes. Don’t use his bowl, mug, or any other dish without permission. Although using his dishes may seem like it’s “not that big of a deal,” it may be to him. Ask first, and if he does give you permission, be careful with his stuff. If you use it, clean it. If you break it, replace it with an equally nice dish.
Laundry: If you are tight financially (which what college student isn’t?), you may need to borrow laundry money or detergent from your roommate from time to time. If your roommate allowed you to do this before, don’t assume that one occasion is now the rule. Ask first. When you do your laundry, be sure to put it away. Leaving piles of clothes on the floor or in the bathroom is inconsiderate to your roommate who shares that space.
Friends: If you’ve never lived with a roommate before, you might not know how annoying having your friends over can be. Your roommate may have plans or need to get work done, but if your room is filled with people and noise he will probably be frustrated. Check with your roommate first, even before you invite friends over.
Phone calls: You need to call home sometimes. You may need to call an employer, coworker, or a friend too. However, don’t assume that your dorm room or right outside it is the best place to do this. Your roommate and the rooms around you can easily overhear your entire conversation, which can be annoying. Ask your roommate if your talking will bother him. If he needs to get stuff done, go outside to talk.
Playing music: Sometimes you may just want to listen to your music aloud. While you may have excellent taste in music, don’t assume your roommate wants to listen to your music. Listening to music with headphones or when alone is certainly fine, but don’t play your music aloud without asking first.
None of these everyday activities are truly a big deal in and of themselves, but when you’re living with someone else you need to accommodate to his needs and desires. So, be sure you ask before acting, because asking first is just part of being a good roommate.
2. Speak in person.
Communication is the key to healthy relationships, whether that relationship is with a family member, a significant other, or a roommate. Failing to communicate well with your roommate will lead to tension and conflict.
Communicating over texting often causes misunderstandings. Why? You don’t have context, verbal cues, etc. Sometimes your roommate may be short in his response, leaving you guessing if he’s mad or just in a rush. In general, communicating over text is not the best way to resolve issues.
Communicating behind his back often escalates issues too. This passive aggressive way of dealing with issues causes more problems in the long run. Your words may get twisted, even if they were not unkind. Your message and meaning can be misunderstood or inaccurately shared with others. Avoid the drama and speak directly with your roommate about issues.
Before taking any steps, make sure you have first discussed the issue with your roommate. If the issue continues to escalate, get your RA involved. Even if your roommate doesn’t respond well to what you have to say, he will know you tried to work out the issue with him first. Going behind his back will be hurtful and may cause more issues in the long run.
Refuse to communicate poorly by speaking face to face. Too often miscommunication occurs over messaging or texting. Avoid hurt feelings or tension by communicating directly with your roommate.
3. Give each other space.
For some reason, college freshmen often feel pressure to become best friends with their roommates. This pressure is completely unnecessary. You don’t have to become close friends, because you are just roommates.
Don’t feel like you constantly have to eat meals with your roommate or participate in other bonding activities on a regular basis. Sometimes roommates are just that—roommates. If you happen to become close as a result of living together, that is wonderful but is usually not the norm.
You also don’t need to feel pressure to share your friends. If your roommate tends to be a loner, do include him sometimes. However, you never have to feel the pressure to make your friends your roommate’s friends. You also do not need to become friends with your roommate’s friends. Sometimes these scenarios will happen, but don’t force something to work that doesn’t work.
Because you are roommates, you need to respect each other’s boundaries. If your roommate likes to stay to himself, let him. If he has on headphones, he probably doesn’t want to talk with you right then. If he’s on his phone in his bed, don’t strike up a conversation. He needs personal space just like you do.
Being roommates, you also need to respect each other’s preferences. If your roommate has asked you to pick up your towel, rather than hanging it on the bathroom doorknob, try to accommodate to his request. If he asked you to stop hitting snooze over and over again in the morning (waking everybody up), do try to get up after you push your alarm the first time.
Now I’m not saying you have to be a pushover, but do try to be considerate. Try to compromise when you can. Unless he’s asking you to do something completely unreasonable, try your best to make your living situation comfortable for the both of you. This roommate will only live with you for a few months longer, and you can make a few sacrifices for that long.
4. Apologize and confront.
Small issues become big issues when they are ignored. Don’t allow a tiny argument to become large because you refused to deal with it. If you are uncomfortable or hurt by something, deal with it before it becomes a big deal.
Bottling up roommate issues probably causes you more frustration in the long run. When people avoid dealing with problems it’s usually for one of two reasons: they’re afraid of damaging the relationship or they don’t want to admit being at fault. Because of your close living quarters, taking the time to deal with small issues is important, even if it is uncomfortable.
Exploding about roommate issues sometimes leaves irreparable damage. You can’t take your words back ever. Once you’ve said those hurtful things, they’re out there. Avoid exploding by dealing with the issue while it’s still small.
So, how do you deal with small issues well? Approach the person one-on-one. Don’t confront him in front of his friends, your friends, or other roommates. Ask your roommate if you can talk with him on a specific day. By setting a time to talk with him, you are ensuring that you will have this conversation. After all, you told him needed to talk.
Prepare yourself for this conversation by planning what to say. Write out what you will say and practice it. You want to make sure your words are clear, objective, and truthful. Be honest about you and him. That may mean you need to apologize for your actions, even if you don’t feel like you were wrong, but owning up to your mistakes will go a long way.
In a TED article criminal defense attorney Jahan Kalantar explains the 3 parts to an authentic apology. First, he suggests saying why you are sorry. For example, “I am sorry for being loud when I came in late last night.” Second, he suggests explaining the “because” behind why you’re sorry. For example, “… because I know you like to be in bed and asleep by 12 on weeknights.” Third, he suggests finishing with an “and.” For example, “…and when I come in late again I will be sure to be much quieter” or “… and I will try to come in earlier to ensure I am not too loud.”
Living with a college roommate is challenging, even when you really like him. Use these four tips to resolve small issues before they become big ones. Being considerate will go a long way to make your living situation comfortable for you and your roommate.
