Being, Not Doing: How to Focus on What You Want Your High School Graduate to Become
Your high school graduate may be struggling with choosing a school or a major. These decisions are difficult, because your child feels like her major or college determines her future success. While these factors can influence her future occupation or connections, neither her major or her college definitively determine her future success.
In your heart of hearts, you may wish your high school graduate would attend school closer to home. Letting go is difficult, especially when worries fill your thoughts. You may also wish that your freshman was majoring in something more practical or profitable. Rather than allowing yourself to get caught up in the endless “what if” questions, choose to focus in a different direction. Focus on what you want your high school graduate to be this summer, not what you want her to do with her life.
5 Things You Want Your Graduate to Be This Summer
1. Happy
What does it truly mean to be happy? True happiness is more than a passing mood. In fact, the idea of happiness may be better described as satisfaction or contentment. You want your child to be at peace with her life. Your desire is for this summer to be a time of real happiness.
Part of the goal of this blog is to give you some insight into what your child might be thinking, so let me shed some light on this time of life. This time of life is filled with a mix of emotions for your graduate. While you wish this last summer of her childhood could be filled with happiness, this time is bittersweet for your child.
On the one hand, your child is thrilled to be done with high school. Your child is glad to have the annoying classmates, the demanding teachers, and the constant practices behind her. On the other hand, your child is fully aware that life will never be the same. She knows she will miss some parts of high school—the lifelong friends, the lack of financial obligations, and the mentors in her life.
Even if your graduate is not a particularly emotional individual, she may seem off to you this summer. This transitory time of life may cause your graduate to experience a wide variety of feelings, so expect this summer to come with some mood swings.
You truly desire for your graduate to simply be happy, but expecting her to force a smile when her life is changing in many ways may not be realistic. As the start of college approaches, she may seem less and less “like herself.” Know that this change is normal. She will need some time to adjust, but she will settle once she has adapted to college.
2. Self-disciplined
Graduation is over, and as a result you may expect your graduate to “step it up” a little bit around the house. Even though your graduate has completed a major milestone in her life, she truly hasn’t changed that much. She is still the same high school student.
Your child may or may not take extra responsibility or initiative to complete tasks, find a summer job, or prepare for college. She likely feels as if she needs to destress from the school year, catch up on sleep, and spend time with friends she will leave in a few months. In other words, your child is probably more likely to show less discipline, not more, after graduating.
Self-discipline starts with “self,” not with “parent.” So as much as you may offer advice or provide helpful reminders, know that your child has to be the one to kick it into gear. You can help provide some uncomfortable consequences if she fails to follow through, but she has to be the one who decides to get disciplined.
For example, your child has consistently leaves her room an utter mess. You have made some comments in passing, asked her to tidy her room, and provided her with specific deadlines. However, her room remains the same. What can you do? Depending on your parenting style, you can provide a consequence like taking away her phone or not allowing her to spend time with friends over the weekend. Whatever you do, make sure she realizes that the consequence is a direct consequence of her messy room.
Consider providing a more adult-like consequence, because she is entering adulthood. What would happen in the “real word” if a landlord came to check on her room and found it a disaster? You can try to mimic a similar consequence in your home.
3. Discerning
You want your graduate to make wiser decisions. You would like her to learn how to fix her own mistakes, solve her own problems, and take responsibility for her choices. However, these changes will not happen overnight but will take some time.
You may wish your child would spend time with better friends. Her friends are not always the best influence. She can easily give into their peer pressure. However, forbidding those bad friendships may only cause her to want to spend more time with them.
You may wish your child would spend her time better. She consistently shows up late for work, goes to bed in the early morning hours, and wakes in the early afternoon. You know that the college schedule will be an adjustment for her, but you wish she’d prepare for college by managing her time better now. However, waking her up and reminding her of her obligations probably won’t change this bad habit.
You may wish your child would spend her summer preparing for the school year. You know how much preparation is required for the move to college, but your freshman doesn’t seem overly concerned. She may not even show any interest in purchasing supplies for her dorm room. While you can purchase the items for her, she needs to start taking responsibility for her education now.
Your child will not learn discernment if she continues to pass the decision-making to you. Allow your child to develop some discernment by letting her make some of her own choices. Try to let the consequences of her decisions rest on her shoulders, not yours.
4. Mature
Your high school graduate is likely inexperienced and somewhat naive about the pressures of adulthood. Her attitudes, opinions, and choices are probably slightly immature. Unfortunately, maturity isn’t usually developed immediately after high school.
Being patient with your child’s occasional moods, unsubstantiated opinions, and sometimes superior attitude can be difficult. Your child might think she knows far more than she does, and you know that college will likely be a big wake up call. How can you help her develop maturity now?
First, allow her to make some mistakes. Mistakes usually teach your graduate more lessons than your words ever could. As much as you may be tempted to insert an “I told you so,” be careful not to seem like you are rubbing her mistakes in her face.
Let the mistake and its consequences do the talking for you. Be available to discuss the problem. Ask questions that help her think through how the mistakes occurred and what she can do in the future to prevent them from happening again.
Second, ask her thought-provoking question. This summer is a unique time in your relationship with your graduate. Your child is leaving the nest, and when she returns your relationship will not be exactly the same. Take advantage of this time. Probe her thinking, so that she can develop some independence of thought now.
Questions beginning with “why” or “how” typically allow your child to think through viewpoints and elaborate more. You want her to be a problem-solver, not merely a person who points out the problem and complains. Try using questions like these on occasion:
Why do you think ___________ happened?
How might ___________ be stopped from happening again?
What kind of thinking do think led to ___________?
What would be a better solution for ___________?
Although your child may need to take some time to think before responding, getting her thinking is important. Because in college her thinking, morals, and ideology will be questioned by others. You can help her start maturing now with deeper questions.
5. Successful
Every parent wants his or her child to be successful. But what does it mean to be a success? Your definition may overlap with the idea of happiness. Maybe your definition is more closely tied to financial stability or having a fulfilling career.
None of these desires are bad. You want the best for your child, and you should. However, your definition of “success” may not be shared by your child. Your graduate’s idea of success may actually differ greatly from yours.
Your child’s idea of success may be having a job after graduation, solving a social or economic crisis, living in great comfort, etc. Because your goals are different, her path forward may not be what you would desire. Her future plan may seem ridiculous and unrealistic.
Try to remember that your dreams for your child may not match hers. Pressuring her into a major or coercing her into attending a local college may make more financial sense, but your relationship will likely become strained as a result. She will likely feel you have your own interests ahead of hers.
Placing your focus on what you want your high school graduate to do will likely lead to a difficult summer. Focus on helping your child become who you would like her to be. This summer is a good time to help your child become happy, self-disciplined, discerning, mature, and successful. Take advantage of this in-between!
