I saw this post from Grown & Flown that presented an important topic that you’ve likely faced as a parent of a new college student: 

Your college freshman texts you asking you to replace an item, send an item from home, or asking for you to buy a new not-so-necessary item. You add it to your to-do list and tell them you’ll get to it this weekend. Your freshman texts back confused while it will take so long.

Your time is valuable. You love your college freshman, but you can’t immediately respond to their every beck and call. You are busy and are functioning at full capacity on a good day.

How can you be available to your freshman while also teaching them to value your time? Below are a 3 tips to help your freshman learn to value your time.

Demonstrate you value their time.

This concept seems like common sense, but actually valuing your freshman’s time will take work. Why is this such a big deal? Valuing your child’s time communicates mutual respect. Your freshman’s most limited commodities are time and money. If you want to communicate you value your freshman, value theirs.

As a teacher, I know how frustrated my students get when I am not good about getting their grades back to them. If I expect them to turn in paperwork on time, I need to do my best to get their paperwork back in a reasonable amount of time. The street goes both ways.

But how does this help your freshman value your time? Freshmen, like many teenagers, tend to learn by imitation. They mimic what they see. They mimic what they value. It may take your freshman time to see your efforts to value their time, but they will notice and appreciate it.

What does this look like? Here are a few small actions that can show you value your freshman’s time:

• Text before calling. Texting to ask if they have time to talk helps show your freshman that you are considerate of their schedule, rather than forcing them to communicate when it works best for you. 

• Respect their time while on the phone. If your freshman starts the call with “I don’t have long to talk,” they probably don’t have much time to talk. As well-intentioned as a parent is who keeps continuing a conversation (even a really good conversation), sometimes saying “I’ll let you go” over and over can communicate that you don’t really value their time.

• Refuse to assume you know their plans. Whether you’re making a phone call or expecting your freshman to be home over break, refuse to presume your freshman isn’t busy or doesn’t have alternative plans. (This practice can also work to transition your freshman into functioning autonomously as they will need to in adulthood.)

Delay answering calls and texts.

If you want your freshman to respect your time, you need to show a little tough love. Delaying your response probably sounds uncaring, but it can help your freshman take some initiative and reconsider if they can solve this problem on their own. (Both skills are critical for living successfully as an adult.)

Delaying your response also helps your freshman know you aren’t always available for their every need. You don’t need to completely ignore their communication, but you also don’t need to give an immediate response to all communication (unless your freshman communicates it’s an emergency).

How can you be less available while still being available when it matters? Here are a few suggestions:

• Send a text in response to a call. You aren’t ignoring them, but you are in the middle of a project or another call. Instead of placing someone else on hold or halting your progress, you can send a short text telling them you’ll call back later. This helps to communicate that you do want to talk to them, but you can’t right now.

• Schedule regular times to be available or call. Let them know when you’re typically free to talk. If they call outside of those hours, you can always circle back and contact them. You can also schedule a regular time to check-up with them. They’ll expect your call and you’ll expect to hear from them too. (Make sure if you do this that you include your freshman in the scheduling.)

• Set up an emergency system. One of the biggest fears for a parent is that they will miss an emergency call. They’re afraid they’ll miss a call that their freshman is in danger or injured. No parent wants these calls, but every parent wants to immediately be notified of these situations. Create a system—maybe a specifically worded text or certain numbers of dial tones before hanging up—that notifies you if something is wrong. This helps your freshman immediately notify you and helps you know if an emergency has occurred. 

Provide reasonable turn-around times.

You don’t have to completely upend your schedule in order to assist your child. If your freshman wants you to mail them something, purchase an item, or do some other task that only you can do, provide a reasonable turn-around that doesn’t overload you.

Be careful not to promise something you can’t do (e.g. “I’ll mail it today”), but also be careful to be considerate of their needs too. If your freshman does communicate ahead to you, try to be considerate of time-constraints. If your freshman doesn’t communicate with enough time to spare, you don’t need to rearrange the world because they didn’t think ahead enough.

By not dropping everything to get something to your freshman, you're working to help them understand you have other important responsibilities on your plate. You also help them to remember they need to consider your schedule too.

Your time matters too. Your freshman theoretically knows this fact but practically may forget to factor your time into the equation. By helping them see your time matters, you’re helping them to grow in empathy and awareness of others. Your freshman, as a result, will be better equipped to function as a college student and adult.