I Don't Like Being Home From College: 5 Tips for Home-on-Break Anxiety
“I love my family, but I don’t always love being with my family.”
Being home for break can be challenging. The things you forgot bothered you so much likely still bother you. The relationships with tension and conflict are often still tense and conflict-filled.
College has at least partially become a new home to you. Your friends are there; your comforts are there; and your independence is there.
Home has (at least partially) become a place where you’re dependent again. At home, you have to deal with the realities of your family, your financial situation, and more. All of these factors can contribute to a great deal of anxiety.
How can you handle home-on-break anxiety? Below are 5 simple tips!
*Important note: Sometimes anxiety about being home indicates something more serious about which you need to talk to a professional counselor. If you are experiencing abuse from a family member, please consider removing yourself from this living situation. If someone has abused you in the past, please seek help from the properly certified individuals.
Refuse to imagine bad scenarios.
It’s easy to “awfulize”—imagine the worst-case scenarios—when you’re feeling anxious or stuck. Your mind can be an endless loop of “what ifs.” This is an exhausting way to spend your break.
In reality, these imaginary scenarios (that are often based on our memories of past experiences) can become self-fulfilling prophecies. How so?
If you continuously imagine that sibling will make that annoying comment, critique your every move, or invade your personal space, you’ll likely be looking for them to do those very things.
When those worst-case scenarios pop into your head, refuse to let your mind play out the situation. Speak truthfully to yourself by saying things like this:
“That’s not fair to assume __________ hasn’t grown. Just like I’ve changed, they have likely changed too.”
“No, I can’t think that, because it’s not true. I need to avoid letting the past dictate the future.”
“Nope. I can’t let my mind replay past experiences. It only makes me miserable and doesn’t help the situation.”
If those situations arise, having a private and more direct conversation can help to resolve these situations. (I’ll share more about this later, so keep reading.)
Choose to assume the best about others’ intentions.
Connected with “awfulizing” is this idea—assuming the worst about others’ intentions.
I’m guilty of doing this too, and I can easily attribute motives to people that may not even be there.
I may assume someone is trying to mock me, ignore me, etc. While I may have had past experiences that seemed to indicate these people are trying to belittle me, I need to extend the same kind of understanding and kindness to them that I would like them to extend to me.
When you’re tempted to assume your parent(s), sibling, or other family member is motivated by ill-will, choose to assume the best instead.
For example, if your parent tends to be louder in the mornings, refuse to assume that they think you’re lazy and are trying to wake you up and get you out of bed. Instead, assume the best, which in this case might be that they are unaware of how much sound travels in your home or of how loud they’re actually being each morning.
Refuse to “bottle up” or explode.
When you’re frustrated, agitated, or annoyed with a family member, it can be really easy to react in the extremes—explode or bottle up.
Expressing your negative feelings to this person can be difficult, especially if you want to preserve a long-term relationship.
Because you’re going to see this person again and again, sometimes it can feel easier to say nothing even after feeling annoyed several times by the same person.
In reality, this reaction only continues the problem. By not expressing that action bothers you or hurts your feelings, you may be sending signals that you’re fine with being treated this way.
For example, a sibling always interrupts you when you’re talking to a parent. If this sibling isn’t a very young child, you likely expect more of this behavior. Rather than constantly sweeping these frustrations “under the rug,” consider finding a moment where you can speak to this person one-on-one.
Approach this conversation with a few principles in mind:
Use “I” language: Using words like “you” can cause the listener to feel attacked and encourage a defensive response. By framing things with “I” you help the person more easily receive your message.
Use neutral words: Using words that sound accusatory or antagonistic will also likely make the listener feel attacked and encourage them to respond defensively. Instead, aim for more neutral language.
Ask for a specific change in behavior: Simply expressing how you feel is less likely to produce real change. If you want a specific behavior change, you need to ask for it. This will help the person know how to take real steps to change.
Avoid making statements you’ll regret: When you’re expressing how you feel or how that person makes you feel, you can easily say things that you don’t really mean or that will cause long term damage. Carefully plan out your words to avoid this situation.
Set realistic expectations.
This time of the year can be busy, stressful, chaotic, and even sad.
Placing pressure on yourself to accomplish a bunch of goals, be incredibly productive, or have the most restful break of your life. This is hard to achieve.
I remember after one year of college talking with a friend about all the things I would accomplish over break.
I wanted to work hours a day to improve in my major. I have no idea why I thought this was a realistic goal, but I didn't even come close to achieving that any day of my break.
So how did you set realistic expectations? Here are a few ideas to help you get started:
Break down big goals. Big-time achievers don’t usually set big goals. They’ve learned to break down their goals into small pieces. For example, you want to do some professional shadowing to get a better picture of what work in your field is like. Accomplishing this task can be intimidating, so you break it down. First, you plan to identify five professionals that are neighbors, family friends, relatives, friends of friends, etc. Second, you plan to get their contact information (e.g. phone number or email address). Third, you type out a general message to send (or speak on the phone). Lastly, you plan to contact each person and ask to shadow. This goal is much more achievable because you’ve broken it down.
Get accountability. I think sometimes overachieving students can get the impression that only “weak” or “undisciplined” students need accountability. That just isn’t true. We all need someone to check in and ask how things are going. We need someone to hold us at our word. Find a friend, a parent, or someone else who can and will ask you how you’re progressing.
Plan for rest. Some of the biggest mistakes freshmen make is not accounting for needed rest. You can’t and shouldn’t spend your whole break under the same level of stress you experienced at college. Your mind and body need to take some time off. Make plans to get extra sleep, spend time with family and friends, and do activities you enjoy.
Plan moments to step away.
Every family is unique.
Some families have high expectations for family time, meaning they expect you to spend most moments together when you’re home. Other families have different high expectations that are unique to them.
Whatever describes your family, you know that sometimes a little family time can go a long way.
To help with feeling overwhelmed or simply exhausted by these times together, sometimes your best course of action can be to plan for moments to step away.
Explaining why you need to step away can be difficult.
So how can you step away without inadvertently hurting someone’s feelings? Here are a few ideas:
Volunteer to do errands. Offering to make the trip to the local grocery store to pick up something and other tasks like this can help you step away without “stepping on someone’s toes.”
Go on a walk or a run. Sometimes going outside to get some fresh air and get some exercise can help to burn off some frustration and can help you more easily take a break.
Find a good book to read. This may depend on your family, but most families will leave you alone if they feel like you’re trying to do something productive or needful. Reading a book or something similar might help you be able to get some needed alone time.
Even a generally positive thing like family time can become frustrating and draining. (Sometimes this can be a sign that maybe a challenging conversation needs to happen with your parents, but that’s another post for another time.)
Learning your own limits and how to work within those limits during breaks is necessary to getting the rest you need over this break.
Coming home can sometimes be filled with the good, the bad, and the ugly. You can like your family and still feel overwhelmed, frustrating, or exhausted by time together.
Learning to set boundaries can help you better maintain your health and your family relationships.
