College breaks (and other times of being at home) were always some of my hardest months as a college student. I have loving parents and a supportive family, but that didn’t mean being home was always easy or enjoyable.

College breaks were also some of the most difficult times to be around college student me. I wasn’t pleasant. I was often inconsiderate of others. My family loved me, but I know I was often unenjoyable to be around.

Sometimes your dearly loved freshman will not be very likable even while away at college. They won’t answer the phone as often as they should. They won’t call as often as they should. They will forget to ask about how you’re doing. They’ll even take advantage of your kindness. 

While there may be many different explanations for why a college freshman is distant and difficult, here are seven possible explanations that may help you see life from your freshman’s perspective.

Reason #1: Your freshman is feeling lost in life.

“I don’t know what I want to do”—even if your freshman has declared a college major, that doesn’t mean they’re feeling confident about their choice. Even after a semester of classes, they may still feel just as lost about their career path as they did before they went to college.

Social media only compounds this uncertainty. Pictures of friends “living their best lives,” posts about a peer’s summer work plans, or other enviable steps of progress shared online can reinforce the feeling that your freshman is “behind” or needs to “get their act together.”

These feelings can make your freshman act unkindly, lashing out or ignoring communication from you. This doesn’t mean that you are doing something wrong. This does mean your freshman is in a rough patch and your love matters, even if your freshman doesn’t reciprocate or express appreciation.

Your freshman is learning to cope with stress.

Before, during, or after the semester is over—the stress of college doesn’t automatically stop. You experience this in your own life. Just because you’ve paid a large bill or finished a presentation doesn’t mean that the effects of stress have completely disappeared. You need time to wind down. Your freshman needs this too.

Their coping mechanisms, however, will not be flawless. They are figuring out how to deal with the physical, emotional, and spiritual strain of stress. Offering unsolicited recommendations will likely result in conflict, resentment, and other unpleasant behavior from your child. Sometimes the best way for them to figure out these things is not to share tips but to listen, offer support, and praise use of wise coping strategies. 

Your freshman is sensemaking.

The idea “sensemaking” is fairly self-explanatory, but the terminology may be new to you. In the 1970s, theorist Karl E. Weick developed this concept of sensemaking to explain the phenomenon by which people within an organization make sense of everyday life through personal experiences. This theory, in part, explains how our perception interacts with reality and shapes reality. (Apologies if this communication theory nerd went overboard with the explanation.)

So how does this apply to your freshman? Your freshman is getting first-hand, real-life experience that is shaping how they view reality. They are experiencing college and adulthood first-hand. Though they may have had conceptual knowledge of what adulthood is like, experiencing this for themselves is much more comprehensive.

Coping with the complexity of college life is difficult. Your freshman is seeing and experiencing life from a different vantage point than they previously did, so their behavior may be different. They may be cold, quiet, and disconnected from you. This doesn’t mean you’ve done anything wrong. They’re merely adjusting to their new reality.

Your freshman is coping with life during a pandemic.

The pandemic has radically impacted your freshman’s life. The normal and every-day parts of regular life have now become taboo. Coping with the realities of pandemic life has been hard on all of us, and your freshman is no exception.

Time with friends is limited and restricted by face-masks and social distancing. Time in class is different—moving either online or adapting to in-person instruction with strict health protocols. Studying, dorm life, and more all look different. Life is not how we want it to be.

These restrictions and protocols that help protect us do limit your freshman tremendously. As a result, your freshman may be frustrated, angry, unmotivated, and possibly even depressed. Outbursts, tirades, and other rants are likely more connected to our “new normal” and less to your actions.

Your freshman is struggling with a lack of social outlets.

Even if your child is living on campus in the dorms, they might not be able to socialize with friends much. Not only is the semester busy, but health protocols discourage gatherings. Your college freshman still may be having a hard time connecting with anyone at college, and the lack of normal social events limit their ability to meet people.

Little social time makes all of us a little crazy (even the introverts—if we’re honest). Your freshman especially misses the social piece of college life. Your freshman, as a result, may be nasty to you, distant, and complain about how much you call. This is likely more of a reflection of where they’re at than a reflection of your actions being “good” or “bad.” 

Your freshman is realizing how little control they have.

If 2020 has reinforced anything, it is how little control any one human has over life. Hard work matters, but hard work doesn’t always produce the results we’d like. Strategic thinking and planning matter, but they’re not infallible.

For your freshman, living with little to no control is a new concept. In the past most of life seemed to work out, but life during the pandemic has been anything but certain or predictable. This may cause some unpleasant behavior toward you or some bad days for your freshman. (The reality is the pandemic has caused similar behavior from parents but maybe in less visible ways.)

Your freshman is working toward an uncertain future.

Your child is working toward a degree that will prepare them for an unknown future. The job market is changing. The skills viewed as most valuable are changing. The future was always murky for college students, but now the future is a dense fog.

While you may have come to grips with the reality of responding with an “I don’t know,” your freshman struggles more with seeing how things will work out when everything seems so chaotic. This is a hard adjustment every student faces, but this adjustment is much more drastic for students attending college now.

We’re all unlikeable sometimes. In those times, we want people to be understanding, patient, gracious, and extend kindness to us. While you will always love your freshman, right now they may be downright unlikeable. Sticking with your distant and difficult freshman through these hard times is extremely challenging, but hopefully seeing from their perspective will help make this journey a little less unbearable.