“I don’t want to go back.” As the beginning of second semester nears, your freshman may come to you sharing a desire to quit college. What should you do?

As the parent, you may struggle to know how much to step in and how much to let your college freshman make this important decision. Before coming to any conclusion, consider these 5 lessons your freshman could learn from returning after a bad first semester.

Lesson #1: Struggling is not a sign to give up.

This semester was full of some surprising challenges for your freshman. Whether her social life or her grades were her main struggle, your freshman was slightly surprised by these struggles.

Your freshman may be tempted to throw in the towel or claim that she’s just “not smart enough” to go to college. You know her capabilities, and, although quitting college is an option, the best thing for her may be to continue in this struggle.

What often separates successful freshman from unsuccessful freshman isn’t the absence of struggle but rather the ability to fight through struggle. In her book Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance, Angela Duckworth points to grit as an indicator of success. Grit, not talent, enables your freshman to push through her greatest college struggles.

Your freshman, however, may never learn the value of powering through if she is permitted to push pause on college or quit altogether. While there are certainly circumstances in which a freshman should consider taking a gap year or quitting, your freshman will learn much from struggling, working hard, and conquering her greatest obstacles.

Lesson #2: Failing is not a sign of being incapable.

Struggling is one thing but failing seems a sign to your freshman. Depending on what your freshman defines as failure, she may feel like the writing is on the wall and she simply doesn’t have what it takes to do college.

Failure, on any level, teaches your freshman extremely valuable lessons. Many great political and business leaders experienced major failures before eventually succeeding. As much as seeing your freshman fail pains you, experiencing failure may be one of the best things for your freshman.

How can you help your freshman accept and move on from failure?

• Share your own failures. Unless you share your personal failures, your freshman may think you “have it all together.” Admitting you’ve failed helps your freshman learn that failing is a normal part of life. Failure isn’t something to conceal in embarrassment but something to use as fuel for future growth.

• Show compassion. One of the most discouraging things you could do in response to your freshman’s failure is to say, “I told you so.” Why? This saying reveals some assumption on your part that you expected her to fail. Additionally it discourages your freshman from trying again. The higher the stakes, the more hesitant and anxious your child will be to take action. 

• Let your freshman struggle. Your freshman needs to learn to be her own hero. Instead of having mom or dad stepping in to solve the problem, your freshman needs to take action for herself. This will help her gain confidence and a healthy independence needed in adulthood.

Painful difficulties can lead to your freshman’s greatest breakthroughs. Please don’t let your freshman rob herself of the experience of finding the solution. Help guide her and watch her grow. Failure will often be the key to her experiencing great success.

Lesson #3: Motivation comes and goes.

Motivation is fickle, unpredictable, and unreliable. Rather than blaming you, a professor, or a peer for her problems, your freshman will learn that she has to find her own motivation.

In the ups and downs of her first semester, your freshman may have found herself weary, discouraged, and sick more than not. She learned that she sometimes just needed to push through moments or seasons of a lack of motivation.

Your freshman can’t wait for motivation to strike. She can’t stall, waiting to feel ready enough to work on her homework. Sometimes she must get going for herself—with or without motivation.

Lesson #4: Self-discipline is the key to learning.

Most new college students struggle with learning to discipline themselves. No longer can you be there to remind her of assignments and papers. Your freshman learned she must manage her own schedule, but she won’t get to put this concept into action if she quits.

Without the safety net of a college parent, your freshman will need to keep track of every detail in her busy college schedule. Occasionally some small details may slip through the cracks, but your freshman will see the buck stops with her.

If your child’s goal is to learn, she will realize that next semester needs to be different. She will need to apply herself and set limits for herself. A tough teacher, a demanding assignment, or a difficult class will not hold her back from mastering course concepts.

Lesson #5: Managing time well is the key to thriving.

One of the trickiest parts of first semester for your college freshman was probably time management. Managing busy academic, work, and social schedules takes time to conquer.

Your freshman likely learned that saying “yes” to too many good or exciting opportunities didn’t help her health, grades, or general well-being. She now understands that to succeed she has to choose her extra opportunities wisely (which may mean choosing no extra curricular activities second semester.)

Learning to balance her health, classes, and social life has been a tough challenge. Last semester may have been a complete flop, but this semester she will know better what she should and shouldn’t spend her time on if she wants to have a successful semester.

Returning after a bad semester takes guts. Facing her fears and failures, however, can help your freshman develop character. Help your freshman learn how to conquer her greatest challenges by encouraging her to return after a bad semester!