5 Reasons Your College Freshman Can’t Change Their Bad Habit
You answer yet another call from your freshman in which they explain how they slept through a class again. Your freshman can’t seem to stop falling into bad habits. Procrastinating, staying up too late, skipping meals, forgetting assignments--your freshman can’t seem to get their act together.
As a college instructor, I regularly interact with students who seem stuck. They can’t shake bad habits, and they feel doomed to repeat their past failures over and over again. Sadly, without real habit changes these students will likely repeat their past behavior.
Why can’t your freshman simply change their habits? And what can you do to help? While you don’t want to step in and solve their problem for them, you do want to offer a helping hand. Below I share five possible reasons your freshman is stuck and what you can do to help.
Your freshman is unmotivated.
John appears lethargic. He is a low energy guy and often seems like he doesn’t care. His teachers would describe his work ethic as “how little can I do and still pass.” John’s parents aren’t sure what to do. He is failing several classes and will likely be put on academic probation if he doesn’t significantly change his studying habits.
At first glance, a freshman like John might seem like a bit of a lost cause. In reality, John probably is a bright, gifted, and capable student. However, for whatever reason, John feels little to no motivation for his college coursework.
This kind of a student has untapped potential. If this student really put his mind to it, he could do incredible things. So what should you do if this student reminds you of your freshman?
Don’t offer threats or rewards. Extrinsic motivation may work in the short term but typically doesn’t help your freshman take ownership and responsibility for their grades. Rather than threatening to remove a privilege or offering a privilege as a reward, consider taking a different tactic (keep reading).
Do provide genuine and specific compliments. Making comments about external achievements, like earning a specific letter grade, likely won’t be received well by this kind of a student. Instead, offer specific compliments about the character your freshman shows. Those kinds of remarks mean more than any possibility of “earning” a Starbucks drink ever could
Don’t make assumptions. Refuse to assume your freshman is simply lazy or doesn’t care. Your freshman may be truly struggling but may not be ready to share the details with you. Be patient and show care. This time is a learning experience for your freshman.
Do ask questions. Rather than making claims or accusations, ask questions. If your freshman receives a bad grade, ask if they were surprised by the grade, ask how they prepared, etc. Questions help your freshman process actions and consequences.
You can’t be the motivator for your freshman. Your freshman needs to learn how to motivate himself. When your freshman enters their career (post-college), you can’t be the one to offer incentives. They have to figure out how to stay motivated.
Your freshman is discouraged.
Krystal used to be a good student in high school, earning mainly A’s and B’s. In her first semester of college, her grades are mainly C’s and D’s. She feels like no matter what she tries, she never improves her grades. She simply feels like she’ll never be a success in college and wonders if she should even stay in college.
At first glance, Krystal may seem like a student who simply doesn’t try enough or doesn’t know how to get up after failing. (Both may possibly be true.) Her biggest struggle, however, is that she simply feels discouraged.
This kind of student needs to hear voices that remind her she has ability, she can do it, and she will figure it out. So what should you do if this student reminds you of your child?
Don’t give guilt trips. Guilt trips don’t provide encouragement. Your freshman likely feels guilty enough. Saying “I told you so” or “that’s what you get for _________” isn’t really helping your freshman get out from under their feeling of failure.
Do provide support. Send encouraging texts. Compliment your freshman’s hard work and commitment. Offer a listening ear. Your freshman needs support now more than possibly ever before.
Do encourage your freshman to get help. While you may have helpful input, your child’s campus provides many resources to academically struggling freshmen. Encourage your freshman to take advantage of the resources open to them.
Your freshman may be questioning their capability. They may be doubting they belong at college. They may doubt they can ever rid themself of a bad habit, and they need to hear your voice speaking encouraging words.
Your freshman doesn’t believe change is possible.
Christopher is ready to throw in the towel. He’s done trying and failing. He’s done getting his hopes up for nothing. He’s done sacrificing sleep and social time to stay up studying. At this point, he’s counting down the days until the semester break.
At first glance, this student may seem to be lazy or lack grit. While Christopher may need to work harder and persevere, his real problem is that he doesn’t believe he can improve. He doesn’t believe that he can truly improve.
This kind of student needs to embrace the fact that he can improve. Replacing bad habits with good habits is not only a possibility but can also be his reality. So what should you do if this student reminds you of your freshman?
Don’t guarantee easy successes. If you do compliment this type of a freshman, they likely won’t accept it. They’ll discount your praise due to you being their parent. If you do offer easy steps to success, they’ll likely dismiss your words. In their experience, changing hasn’t been easy and seems impossible. Hard work pays off. Integrity, diligence, and perseverance do reap rewards. These rewards, however, won’t appear quickly.
Do keep speaking truth. Keep reminding your freshman they were admitted to a college. Most college’s don’t usually just accept students. Your freshman has potential and the college that accepted them saw that. Success in college, however, will take work, lots of hard work.
Your freshman isn’t convinced there is a real problem.
Rachel always blames someone else—her teacher, her classmate, etc. Someone else is always at fault for her mistakes. She is never the cause of her bad grades, lack of friends, poor eating habits, etc. In fact, she’s not convinced that her problems are really problems.
At first glance, this student may seem simply immature or unaware. There is some truth to these assertions, but her real problem is that she is not willing to face reality. She is not willing to take an honest look in the mirror.
This kind of student may have deep fears about her ability or lack confidence. Maybe she’s fearful or maybe she’s unsure of how to deal with her problems, but she’s not willing to admit they exist. She’d rather ignore them. So what should you do if your freshman reminds you of this student?
Don’t make accusations. “You” statements (e.g. You don’t take school seriously enough.) provoke a defensive reaction. Accusing your freshman of bad behavior isn’t likely to lend good results or positive changes.
Don’t offer unsolicited advice. You want to help, but your freshman may not want to hear it. Refuse to force your advice on someone who is not ready or willing to accept it.
Do ask questions. As stated before, questions are your friends. You can talk and talk, but your words may be going in one ear and out the other. Rather than stating what seems so obvious to you, ask for the information instead. For example, when your freshman complains about earning a bad grade, ask “why do you think your grade was lower?” or “how did you prepare for this assignment?”
Until your freshman realizes they’re part of the problem, they’re not going to see a need for a change in behavior. As painful as it may be, you may have to watch your freshman struggle and fail repeatedly before they get it.
Your freshman doesn’t have a system.
Preston is constantly scrambling from one thing to another. He’s always busy but never on time to anything. He can’t ever seem to get caught up. He’s stressed and exhausted.
At first glance, this student may seem like he’s doing all he can. While he’s working very hard, he’s not “working smart.” His wheels are spinning, but he can’t seem to get any momentum. Why? He’s completely disorganized. He doesn’t know how to set priorities for himself or how to work toward a deadline.
This student needs a system that helps him function effectively and productively. Burnout is guaranteed if serious behavior changes aren’t made. So what should you do if your freshman reminds you of this student?
Don’t give unsolicited advice. Your freshman feels like they are doing all they can to succeed. Their calls aren’t likely pleas for tips from you. They likely want someone to vent to about their stressful day. They aren’t in a place to receive advice.
Do ask thought-provoking questions. You can indirectly provide advice by asking insightful questions. Questions like, “How do you think you could prevent that from happening again?” or “What would you do differently if you had to do the project again?” help your freshman think through their actions.
The hardest part about parenting a college kid is learning to let go and learning to take a back seat. Your freshman’s college experience is preparing them for post-college adulthood. Your freshman can figure out their problems, and you can help guide them along the way.
