3 Things College Parents Shouldn’t Say in Between Thanksgiving and Winter Break (And What to Say Instead)
The weeks between Thanksgiving break and winter break are a fast-paced whirlwind.
In a few weeks, your own home decor likely undergoes a dramatic transformation from fall to Christmas.
In these few weeks, your freshman’s college pace picks up tremendously.
Those grades your freshman wanted to pull up now feel impossible to budge. Those bad habits your freshman struggled to beat are now the only way they know how to function.
When your freshman is this stressed, saying the wrong thing is easy. Even if your intentions are to be helpful or give a nudge in the right direction, your freshman may react poorly to certain kinds of comments.
Below are 3 comments that are best to avoid saying at this point in the semester.
“At least you only have ___ weeks left…”
This sounds like a hopeful statement—something that you think should encourage a freshman longing for relief. It usually doesn’t have that effect. Why not?
Time feels different for your freshman. A few weeks feels grooling to an already exhausted freshman holding on for dear life.
While these may pass quickly for you, your freshman doesn’t feel this way about this time of the school year (especially if these finals are their first).
They feel like there’s no way they can get everything accomplished that they’re required to do. And how in the world can they possibly finish it in such a short amount of time?
So what should you say instead? You can say many things that might be encouraging, but here are some of the more encouraging things you can say…
I’m thinking about you. Knowing you are aware of what they’re going through and that you care about what you’re going through can be just what your freshman needs to hear.
Don’t worry about calling if you don’t have the time. I know you’re busy. Taking off the pressure to be as communicative can be a big relief to a freshman who is overwhelmed with school.
“It’s not that bad.” OR “You’ll be fine.”
Your freshman may be overly frustrated about something that (in the grand scheme of things) seems minor.
You might feel weary of hearing their “whining” or complaining about college.
While your freshman may need a push into action, these phrases aren’t likely to get them going.
Both phrases can cause your freshman to resent you or further discourage them.
So what should you say instead? There might be a variety of things that could be helpful, but here are a few suggestions…
Listen to them. Before you make blanket statements, offer advice, or say anything really, take some time to listen to them talk. You don’t have to encourage unnecessary complaining, but allowing them to feel heard may help them move past talking to doing.
Ask them questions about action steps. After listening, you might want to jump to offering advice. Rather than problem-solving for them, consider asking them questions like “what do you think you can finish during your free hour this afternoon?” or “what do you think is realistic for you to accomplish today?” This can help your freshman identify next steps.
Do you know what your plans for… are?
Your freshman cannot think about anything but the here and now. They haven’t thought ahead and likely don’t make plans to.
You aren’t likely to receive a response about their travel arrangements, food preferences over the holidays, or present requests for Christmas. They may not feel like they have the capacity to even think about that far in the future.
So what should you ask instead?
Do you need help arranging your travel arrangements home? Instead of asking for details or flight numbers, offering assistance to your first-semester freshman can help make these weeks a little less overwhelming. (With a second semester, you might want them to take more ownership and responsibility for these details. Just be sure you communicated this expectation earlier in the semester, so it’s not a surprise.)
Is there anything I could do to help you survive this busy time of the year? You can’t take their exams, write their papers, or complete their classes but you may be able to offer some help. Sending them a gift card to buy lunch off-campus or paying for their morning coffee during exam week may be the little thing that makes this time of year seem more achievable.
This time of the year is insanely busy for you, but it is for your freshman too.
Choosing not to say these three phrases (and ones like them) can help you avoid unnecessary rough patches between you and your child.
And your words can be a great encouragement this time of the school year to your freshman.
